Lukewarm

Scott and I spoke on Monday…and then I didn’t hear back from him.  Thursday I was finally fed up with it.  No more games and no more wondering.  

My first email: 

I have to say, I’m a little disappointed that I haven’t heard from you since Monday.  I had resigned myself to the fact that things had gotten too…strained to continue, but after our talk I was under the impression that we were going to see if we could work it out.  We did discuss not going back to "square one" so I thought…well, it doesn’t matter.  The way I see it, either you were waiting for me to contact you first or you decided that this isn’t something you want to pursue. Either way, I prefer not to wonder about it.  (that’s how I get myself in trouble…wondering)  Please note, this is not written with any "attitude."  I truly enjoyed spending time with you and just wanted to see where things are at.  I was going to call you, but I tend to ramble and get off subject and I can be a lot more precise with the written word.  I hope you are well.

His response:

Amy, I’m glad you wrote. After our talk I do feel were going to try and work things out. However you said you weren’t sure about us anymore. It was very weird the way we got off the phone and I thought you would call if in fact you did decide to continue.

Anyway, I would like to continue seeing you but I want to take it easy. I  do not want to be in a committed relationship until everything else is right. This may not be what you need from me, I’m not sure, but I want to be up front and set the right president until we progress and decide differently. I’ve enjoyed our dates as well.

My second email:

You’re funny sometimes when you want to get off the phone.  Sometimes I feel like we are in the middle of a conversation when you say it’s time to go.  (just a quirk, I usually find it amusing)  I guess I wasn’t able to finish my thoughts…I do see where that might have been confusing.  What I was trying to say was I can’t do what we had been doing.  It was too hard and I was pretty miserable there at the end.  If "us" is that, then yes, I’m not sure…but, as I said, I did really enjoy the start and if we can get back to that then I’m all in.  (so to speak)  Try to keep in mind, I’m not your ex, so if something comes up, please, just talk to me.  So I suppose it is back to square one then.  I don’t want to date casually (in general), but of course the very definition of the "beginning" is casual I suppose.  I’ll let you take the lead.  Considering everything that’s happened between us (good and bad) I might find it difficult to start completely over, but I will do my best.  If I seem awkward at first, try to cut me some slack, this is new territory for me.  🙂

And then nothing…I worked late that night and met a friend for drinks.  On my way home I decided to call him and see what’s up.  He didn’t answer at 8:15, but called me back about an hour later.  I told him I didn’t hear from him after my last email and I just wanted to make sure I didn’t say anything offensive or anything that he might have taken the wrong way.  I also said that I am in a really good place now and I wasn’t trying to be snotty in my email if that’s what he read into it.  He said that I have been nothing but nice and he realized that because of things that happened in his past was the reason he reacted to me the way he did.  We talked for a bit, he asked me if I wanted to get together Sunday and hang out at the pool.  So that was the plan.  This was Thursday…I didn’t hear a peep from him before this morning at 10 when he told me he planned on being at my place around 1.  By the time he got here it was cold and overcast so we decided to go see a movie.  We held hands and cuddled a bit, then he drove me home and dropped me off.  Quick kiss good-bye and off he went.  He said he wasn’t home all weekend and needed to get some stuff done.  So…who knows.  If he doesn’t call again I can’t say I will be super sad.  I did know that this was going to be back to square one, and it sure was.  I’m feeling very lukewarm about all of this.  He’s a nice guy, but his "taking it easy" is little to no contact, then sitting in a movie for a couple of hours after not seeing each other for two weeks.  I need more then that.  I will try to be patient, but I need someone who’s willing to take a risk.  I am a very open person and now I’m afraid to be open with him.  I don’t want to give too much and get hurt.  I won’t contact him again, but if he contacts me I will answer.