Love and other things

I love, love-love-love my refuge recovery meeting. It was packed today, and I had to walk a mile (literally) in the cold to get there (and that wore my old, smoking ass out!) but as always, I reconnected with my spirit and left feeling reset for the week.

Came home, asked Alexa to play my P!nk channel, and started busting my ass around the house. I put away clean dishes, cleaned off the dining table, lit some incense, started laundry, put away my extra jackets and gloves for the season, and vacuumed – even all the dead poinsettia leaves under my plant stands.  I should still do the bathroom and the patio, but for now I’m content writing and smoking.  I’ve got the top of my wax warmer in the freezer so I can pop the old wax out, and I still have to finish laundry once the dryer quits, but I’m losing steam sitting here.

I’m ready for spring and planting flowers, having windows open and grilling.  I can’t grill here, of course, but I usually make it out to mom’s most weekends now that steve isn’t around, and we grill a lot.  Pork steaks and pineapple with brown sugar sounds SO GOOD!

Most of all, I’m ready to talk the current problems out with Brent so that I can get past the ball of anxiety and anger that keeps lurking. I’ve gotten better at exploring my feelings and reactions to things and allowing them to be what they are, but not hold onto them (good or bad) but this latest thing has become a bigger hurdle to jump past than I bargained for. Still not really ready to put it out there, but it involves cleaning up some areas of my past and embracing the present.

I’ve missed going to group this week, but not NA. I realize there’s a level of resentment I’ve been holding onto with some of the traditional recovery paths.  I don’t feel like resentment is something I need to have towards anything, really, life is what it is and while living life on life’s terms isn’t always easy or fun, or even satisfying, I feel like focusing on what works best for ME is where I need to be.  Being open to things is good, but I don’t have to buy every flavor of jellybean if I know I don’t like some of them.

LOL, there goes my addict, reminding me that sugar is my go-to happy place now.

Im hoping Natalie comes up this evening, for company if nothing else.