In the past

The rest of my diary has been recovered, and I’ve been peeking into my past.  I’ve only looked thru a couple of weeks in 2014 (wow I wrote a lot) and it’s sad and sometimes frightening to read again about how unhappy I was, how often I thought of leaving Jessie, of how purely toxic life was for me at that point.  It also makes me realize why I continually turned to alcohol to numb myself and just survive.   Not an excuse, but I understand more about my breakdown now.

I thought for a couple of years that jess and I would ultimately wind back up together, but I shed that idea a while back, when I started to realize he never was, and never will be, a partner in my sobriety.

I’m sad for the me I used to be. That girl was in so much pain, and despite being surrounded by people, so alone.  Scared. Unsure. Doomed in the situation.  I’m glad I wrote here, because I chronicled my entire addiction up until the site shut down.  There are no better reminders of how things truly were than your own words recorded in the moment

And this morning, I got to hear “good morning baby,” and my insides melted just a little, my heart is fluttering around, and despite the clouds, today is beautiful.