Bipolar

Ever wonder what being bipolar and not on meds feels like?  It felt like my whole day yesterday. The screaming highs and the aching lows with almost no breaks in between. I woke up in a panic situation but had to hold my shit together. From there it went into horror story dread and fear, and then I’d get a text from Eric and my heart would go thru the roof (because, yanno, new lurve and excitement) and then I’d look back at Janie and feel guilt and sadness in the same second. By the end of the day I was so emotionally wrought, and that was ON MEDS. It’s the dizzying heights and the cavernous lows without the ability to center yourself. You’re either on, or you’re off, because the only “break” is a complete shut-down.

At least, that’s what MY bipolar feels like. I’m sure it’s different for everyone. Left unchecked, I am not an easy person to be around or deal with. When I’m drinking, I forget to take my meds as often as not, so couple ^^ all that with my anger when I’m drunk?  It’s a horrible mix.

Heading back to the hospital this morning, then group, probably back to see Janie, then home – Eric is coming after he gets off work, and the plan is to spend the night. I’m so white girl I can’t even. Squeee!  I swear, everytime I think of having him here and waking up next to him, my heart goes into a crazy pitter-patter like I’m a 15- year old virgin. All I know is, even as much as I loved jessie, and how broken my heart was, I still never had this sort of peaceful, happy feeling before. Nervousness was what made my heart skip with Jess. Trying to be what he wanted. And we had some great years, wonderful times, beautiful kids – I don’t regret a second of it.

I just never felt like THIS. There’s no nervous. There’s no trying. It just is, and it feels amazing. *sigh*

janie finally got into a room, thank goodness. Yesterday we were going back one at a time to sit with her. Bless her heart, every time she woke up it was someone new, and she’d greet us with I love you’s  as if she hadn’t seen us in years.

And for the record, my hair and makeup turned out SMOKIN’ today, so I’ve got my fuck-me pants on and they’re ready to dribble off later. *winks*  46 feels good on me.  Plus my boobs are saying hello in this shirt, lol. Rock on, mama.