beauty in disguise

Went to visit Janie earlier. While she’s no longer doped out, the voices and paranoia continues, although she’s very guarded in what she says.  She feels like everyone thinks she’s crazy, but this is all very real to her. I have no doubt she’s hearing people telling her terrible things. I hate to see her be in such fear, but not being comfortable enough to talk about it. She’s very fragile.

Natalie has also disappeared, and it goes fully against everything her sober self would be doing right now. Given the history, and that I knew she was going to pick up her boyfriend (who is still deep in active addiction)  it’s all too easy to suspect she’s relapsed. This behavior, this disappearing, is what she does when she slips. I have no way to contact her until she checks her phone, and that’s IF she decides to let me know.

Tiffany, the head outpatient counselor, called me today to make sure I was ok. I am, I’m frustrated and carrying a lot of guilt and worry right now, but I’m making sure to practice self-care and my Buddhist principles. This is the first time I’ve HAD to utilize these skills, and they’re working so far. I’m taking each thing out, examining it, allowing myself to recognize my feelings, but not attaching to the thoughts.

Truth is, I feel like my 2 best friends just skipped out on me, and that’s frustrating and makes me angry and sad, but I can’t live there. I’ve done all I can do, I’m doing all I can, but the ball isn’t in my court at this point.

Thank God Eric is still clean. I miss him.

*does the laurie*