Determination

I need to find some determination to DO things. I am finding myself slowly falling back into a state of depression thats very hard to get out of. I am gaining weight like no other, because I don’t get out and DO things anymore. I blame this on dating. I get nothing but let down and it causes me to eat away my sorrows and lock myself up. My apartment continues to be a disaster and my life a whirlwind of emtions and chaos. I find myself having a hard time putting on that fake smile and even going outside becomes a chore. This HAS to stop. I hate this version of myself. But the only person that can change this is me, and I KNOW that. I need some action. Instead of words. I need to make things happen for myself. Things won’t just magically happen. I need to MAKE them happen.

I need to find a new place to live. I hate this apartment! And living here for 3 years has been ENOUGH. I hate the landlords and I hate the neighbors. I just need something else. It sucks the life out of me having to walk up and down these stairs everyday. Not physically… but emotionally I just hate it here! I need a change! 
I am so sick of hearing about people falling in love. Or weddings. Or their vacations. I am trying really hard to leave it up to God. I realize jealousy is frowned upon when it comes to the Lord, but man am I having a hard time believing that my time is coming. I get nothing but let down. Its so hard to believe in a happy future when you don’t truly know happiness. Or maybe that doesn’t even make sense… you really need to learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. But I believe its time. Its my turn.
I give myself headaches overthinking things. I spend entirely WAYYY too much time at my computer. I am afraid to step on the scale. I know it will be bad.
I really really liked the last guy I dated and the feelings weren’t reciprocated. It ended badly… and of course I was the one who got hurt. I think this has caused me to sink even lower. No, I know it has. My family just doesn’t understand. No one does really. I don’t talk to anyone about it. That could be why its getting so bad too. Gahh…
Bed. Gonna try really hard to sleep.
Kudos to you if you actually made it through this entry. I’ve given myself an even worse headache.

Night.