Change

I’ve come to realize that I need a change. A good change. Weather it be a new job, or a new apartment. A new town… whatever. I just need to get out of this "slump" I’m in.
I’m dating someone who doesn’t seem to be as interested in the relationship as I am. Hopefully we’ll get together this weekend and straighten out a few things. I need to know if there’s someone else, or if his heart is just not into it. Or if he’s just really busy… I need to know! I just need something to CHANGE!
Abby turned 4 last week. She starts pre-K next week. I will be 28 in about 3 months. Its time for a CHANGE. I am stuck. Maybe a new place, or a new job, or finishing school will help me move towards the better things that are supposed to be in my life. I’ve given up most of the direction I’ve tried pushing and hoping God gives me some direction. I am trusting in Him. I am learning more about Christ and his ways and giving Him my heart a little bit more everyday. I believe He is the answer and nothing that is set forth before me is something I can’t handle. I am trusting Him with this relationship and hoping it turns out for the best, but I have been through so many breakups in the past 4 years… it would be nothing I couldn’t handle. I’ve almost come to expect it when I start dating someone new. Most only last a couple months. Its my track record. Its been the luck I have. Just the way it is…
I haven’t written in a while, but I had one of those can’t breathe, upset, need to bawl it out moments last night while laying in bed. Single parenthood is absolutely the hardest thing in the world. Knowing that everything that should matter to the average person, just doesn’t when your a single parent. All my needs and wants are out the window and Abby is first. Another "just the way it is" kind of moment. And I have no idea what its like to be a team when it comes to parenting. I’ve always been a single mom. Since the beginning.
And it pisses me off beyond belief when people say "Well you did it to yourself!" Because thats not how it happened for me. I wasn’t some irresponsible girl who went out and had sex with some random guy. I dated her dad for 3 years, we were talking marriage, I got pregnant. In the late end of my pregnancy he cheated on me with someone else. I didn’t stand for it… so I let go. He’s been a very good dad when he does have her on his weekends. And he’s been great if I’ve needed anything financially. And I was 23 when I had her… so I did have some sense of reality. I just don’t stand for someone whos not dedicated to me. Thus why I need to figure out this relationship situation I am in now. I don’t want to waste time for either one of us. And I know how hard it can be to plain out tell someone your hearts just not into it. So I will save him that step and confront him about it. Hopefully soon.
Just lots on the mind and I needed to get some of it out.
Hoping the Labor day weekend is relaxing.