No Title

He unblocked me, followed me, and texted me. When he texted me, my whole body froze, and then I started shaking. I didn’t want to answer him; I didn’t want to see what it was that he would say to me. I had a panic attack, and I had to go to the bathroom to cool down. and he just texted me like nothing. He asked how I was doing, and he said we had this grudge and he wanted to stop having it. I asked him why he still texts me, and he said I make him feel better. He talked about his girlfriend, saying she was amazing, but I would always have a spot in his heart. I told him I did not want to hear that. We talked the whole day, and it was good. He knew that I wasn’t over him, and he knew that I still loved him with all my heart. and I think he knows he does me no good texting him. But I can’t tell him to stop. I wanted to tell him I didn’t want to talk to him, but I did, and he said he would leave me alone if that’s what I wanted, but I didn’t want him to go again, so I told him to talk to me. He told me things that hurt me—things that happened in his life. He even said he wanted to help me get better; he said he knows it’s not his right, but he still wants to be the person to help me. but it doesn’t help me if he’s the literal reason that I’m hurting. It does partly help me. He kept saying a whole bunch of stuff about how he cared about me. I told him, “Part of me just wants to say, ‘Just stop caring about me'” and he said, “Well, that’s the same reason you can’t.” We were laughing together, and I told him I never wanted to see him because it would break me. He said, Oh, I don’t like hurting him, but that’s what I felt. He kept asking me to be honest and to speak up, so I just told him that I missed him like hell. He came back, but he didn’t. I don’t know if this is right, and I hate that I needed someone to help me take the first step to being okay. It was him too; he thinks he can’t help me, but he did today. The problem is that I kept being myself a little too much, and I kept letting him know how suicidal I am. He doesn’t deserve that; he doesn’t deserve to see that part of me. I would only drain him again, and I don’t want to do that. But I need to stop depending on him; I need to learn to do things myself. and I have to stop centering my world around him. Is it okay that I continue talking to him, hurting and healing at the same time?