Him

I love him; I love him very much, and he knows I do. He knew me like the back of his hand; he knew how much I loved him; he knew when I was sad, when I was sleepy, or when I cried the day before just by looking at my eyes; and he knew me so well he could take a personality test for me. We were together for a year, but we broke up. Three months later, he texted me and sent me such long, lovely paragraphs. I knew how much he loved me; he always showed it to me, and we got back together, and it was like our relationship got better but also worse. When we were together in person, we were so close to each other, hugging, kissing, and cuddling. It was wonderful. But the moment we were apart and texting, we always argued a lot. I don’t know why we were like that. but we still stuck to each other. He broke up with me a month ago, and in less than 2 weeks, he got a girlfriend. He said he had given up on us, that we couldn’t work out, and that hurt me. When he told me he had a girlfriend, I broke down so badly. How could he? How? And to me, it felt like there had been something going on, and I would talk about it to my friends on Instagram, and then he logged in there. We used to have each other’s accounts, and I never changed my password, and he was angry that I was doubting him despite the fact that he treated me right and loved me madly. But there is one thing he forgot or doesn’t want to remember. For example, when we broke up many times, I just left that out. He always treated me like garbage; he called me pathetic, a shitty person, and childish; he cussed me, and I thought I had the right to be angry at that despite my mistakes. Then he gets angry when I start treating him like that, which isn’t fair because I have NEVER treated him like that. I never pushed him away, and every time I tried checking on him, he always pushed me away, but the moment I start doing it, I’m treating him like “the worst ex” I’ve had. I only did that once, and even despite the way he started treating me, I always loved him and let him back in whenever he decided to come back. He is the best person in my life; he had never treated me that way, so when he did, it surprised me and hurt me badly. And he helped me through so much. but the depression of breaking up always puts me in a bad state. We broke up, and for months I was crying. I was talking to someone, but I avoided them a lot. He still believes I can move on, but I don’t know if I can. He says if I ever find happiness again, he would be okay with it; he would be hurt, but he would be happy for him. I always told him how it was impossible for me to find love that was not his. I am so hurt, and I cry every night. I never had this strong of a feeling, and I am so overwhelmed because I don’t know what to do with my life without him, when he was my biggest motivation.