Foolish, foolish, foolish

I’m still crying over him, and I wish I wasn’t. I have thrown everything he ever gave me in the trash, raged, and even broke or ripped them because I know that I myself would want to take them back, but I needed to leave them there. I can’t help but tell him. I can’t help but tell him everything that goes on in my life. I’m so used to it, and it’s hard not to tell him because he was the bestest of my best friends before he was my boyfriend, and even then, he was always my best friend, and he says good. He asked me why I was always angry when it came to him. If I hated him that badly, no, I don’t hate him that badly. I hate him, but I hate myself more for crying over him and for continuing to love him when he’s loving someone else. When I’m the one still stuck up on him while he’s experiencing a new person, why should I be hurting over him? Why can’t I move on? I’m not sure if being friends with him will help; he wants to help me; he says, “Like a dumbass, I feel the need to help the person who hurt me the most.” That made me wince, because despite how I feel and how I’ve been feeling about all this, he’s very right; I’ve done him far worse than he has me, but I will let him try; I will try to be friends with him. I just told him not to mention his girlfriend; I grasp that enough. I guess what he wants is to continue taking care of me, for which I’m grateful. If we’re going to text, I’m not going to text him all the time. I think I can let him go little by little. I said I was going to stop talking to him, but I can’t let him go just yet. I want him in my life still, even as a friend. It means everything to me because, even though it does hurt, I can’t have him leave me again. It hurts far worse because it would feel like he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, which isn’t the case. I’m going to try to stop giving up on myself; I’ve done that too much, and it’s time for me to get up.