MESS of a Saturday Night

I had a hot and sexy date with Levi last week.  We went out in the city for dinner and drinks and went back to his apartment.  One thing led to the other and we had a steamy make-out sesh that may have gone a little bit too far for a second date lol…I haven’t seen him since and I think he might have lost interest, but damn–it was worth it.  He’s incredibly sexy and we have amazing physical chemistry.  I’m also glad I went out with him again because he’s definitely not boring like I thought he was–he definitely loosened up and we had a great time.  I would love to see him again, but I am DEFINITELY leaving it up to him.  I’m NOT initiating.

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I had a serious talk with Jeremy a few weeks ago.  I just wanted to get a handle on the situation between us, because it gets confusing for me sometimes.  We talk everyday and he’s thoughtful and attentive and such a sweetheart–but he wasn’t really making any moves in pursuit of me.  Part of me was fine with this (because he doesn’t exactly have a lot going for him in the career department) and part of me wanted more from him…but I left it alone for a long time and I just wanted to get an idea of how he feels.  It just wasn’t all jiving.

He told me he’s intimidated by me, that he knows what I deserve from a man and he can’t give it to me.  He made a point of saying that he’s almost 30, doesn’t have a stable job, is about to move back in with his mom, and needs to work on himself a lot.  He told me he really cares about me, and that he would love to be with me, but right now at this point in his life he has nothing to offer me. 

I didn’t argue with him.  I know that I want someone who can be my equal…someone who’s motivated and feels a desire to provide and be that traditional male figurehead of a family.  I know I don’t want to be with someone who parties all the time and doesn’t work everyday and barely graduated High School.

He’s smart though.  He’s thoughtful and caring and very intuitive.  He’s more than what he is "on paper" and has a lot of potential.  He just needs to figure out how to take that potential into fruition.  And until then, I’m fine with just being friends.  Which is what we agreed we’d do.  We’d continue to talk here and there, be friends, and just see what happens in the future with no expectations.  

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Now that I’ve explained the situation with Jeremy, I can get into my MESS of a Saturday night.

I went to NJ to spend the weekend with my gays.  Jeremy lives in the same town and is friends with them (that’s how I met him) so I let him know that if he was going to be around maybe he could meet us out somewhere.  After telling me that he wasn’t going to come because of his money situation and that he was tired, he shows up at the bar around midnight.  I had been drinking.  We left the bar to go back to Mike and Marc’s apartment and smoke some trees.

I don’t smoke all that often–only when I’m with Mike and Marc really.  It doesn’t really mix well with me and I don’t really like the feeling of being super high because I get super paranoid and need to be left alone.

That being said, I smoked way too much.  I BUGGED THE FUCK OUT.  Mike and Marc had gone to bed and I was left with Jeremy…he was no doubt planning on sleeping over and hooking up with me and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him in the moment.  I freaked.  I told him he needed to leave at 4am…mind you he has no car and ended up walking 50 some odd blocks and a couple of avenues…

I really don’t know what got into me…I can remember thinking "Holy shit, I’m so fucked up right now that I can’t function I just want to go to bed and be left alone."  In all honesty, I know that if we had gotten into that bed together and started hooking up I would not have been in the right mind to make any sort of capable decision regarding sex or anything of that nature.  He was totally blindsided as I shoved him out the door.  He took it personally…he didn’t understand and he thought he had done something to make me uncomfortable…I wasn’t even nice about it, I just kicked him the fuck out of the apartment.  

I’m an awful human being, but I’m sort of glad I did it.  

He’s not too sore about it anymore.  I apologized and blamed the weed, but in retrospect–as fucked up and paranoid as I was–I thinking making him leave was the right thing to do.  

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I’m like a gremlin.  Never feed me weed after midnight.