Letters to the Sky

I thought that if I loved you so wholly and completely and unconditionally, you’d feel it and realize that you were better off with my love than without.  I thought you might realize what you stood to lose in me.  

For the last 10 months I have been fighting; fighting to know you; fighting for your love; fighting for your devotion and commitment. Then, suddenly, on the night you told me that turning my Claddagh ring in was just something you did to be playful, it all came together for me and made sense.  I realized that I have been the only one fighting for this–for us.  What’s more is that I no longer could rationalize to myself why it was exactly that I was fighting for you. I no longer had a reason.  I could no longer convince myself that I was happy.

I love you. Truly, madly and deeply.  In spite of yourself.

I think you are wonderful.  I think that is obvious in the fact that I have stayed around for so long and let so many things slide for so long.  I had faith that you were with me because you wanted to be and that it was only a matter of time before you realized that I wouldn’t hold you back, but that instead, I would enrich your life.  I hoped you would realize that although you are unsettled and feel like you are all over the place that I would be somebody you could turn to, not only for help, but for support and understanding.  But you don’t feel that way.  And I can’t change that.  As we both know, you have a lot of issues to work through when it comes to having a proper relationship–and it’s a shame that you don’t want to work through them together. 

There are just so many things that are wrong.  The fact that you can’t call me your girlfriend after basically 10 months of exclusive dating cuts me deeper than you’ll ever know.  It hurts me even more that you keep me completely separate from your life.  The fact that I’ve never met your friends or your parents is ridiculous at this point. It makes me feel like you’re ashamed of me.  Adding to that is the fact that you’ve done everything in your power to not be tagged in any pictures with me on facebook.  How am I supposed to feel about this?  You’ve said before that your friends are so judgmental and you’re just protecting me and you don’t want to deal with their gossip.  You think  you’re the only one?  Everyone’s friends judge a new girlfriend/boyfriend in the circle.  The difference is that most people have  enough fortitude not to care what their petty friends think about the person they care deeply about.  It’s cowardly, otherwise.  Unless, of course, you just don’t care about me that much.  Which I know isn’t true.  I know you love me, as much as you want to deny it–you do.  But your insecurities have dictated your life so far, and I’m not going to cater to them anymore.  This is wrong.  I’ve never been okay with it, and I just kept believing you when you told me you’d be better–that things would be better–that you’d incorporate me into your life.  It never happened.  

Ten months later, I’m still not a priority for you.  I’m still not the person you want to make plans with for the weekend first.  I’m not the person you call when something’s bothering you.  I’m not the person you call, ever. lol

I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me, who wants to make plans with me, who calls me every now and then, someone who wants to take pictures together and show the world how lucky he is to be with me; someone who wants me in his life and who wants his friends to love me as much as he does.  I deserve someone who wants to be a "we".  The whole point of dating and forming a relationship is to grow together and love together and be TOGETHER.  I’ve never felt together with you.  It’s always you.  and me.  totally separate.

I feel like I have done everything I possibly can to tell you what I want and show you what I need.  I have been supportive to you.  I have always been there for you, doting on you, even–and little of it was met with reciprocity.  While my reasons for being there for you and giving you everything you desire do not lie in reciprocity, there comes a point when I can no longer give of myself when getting so little in return.  Why should I?

It frustrates me to no end because I know what this could be.  I know what you could be and what WE could be if you just let yourself.  I love you accept you for all that you are, flaws and all, in spite of all of your efforts to push me away.  All I ever wanted was for you to realize that and… want to hold on to me too.

Now’s not the time.  I could be the love of your life and you’re just going to let me slip through your fingers.  

I could never do that.  I value love too highly.  I put it above all else.  I don’t understand people who don’t.

I don’t understand you.