It’s Been a While

First, bullets:

• I broke up with Kevin in June.
   
• I finished my first year of law school ranked 9th in my class
   
• I got laid off from my job about a month ago and am now a full-time law student
   
• I lost about 20 lbs. in a month after the breakup…turned it into a positive by thinking of it as a jump-start and keeping going.
   
• I threw my back out somehow and have been in tremendous, debilitating pain for about 2 weeks now

I haven’t updated in what seems like forever.  I stopped writing for a number of reasons…namely that a. I was busy with finals and, b. that I was so sick and tired of writing about Kevin and writing the same things over and over again about him–sure there were anecdotes and gripes–but they all reinforced the same feelings I had about him and the same doubts.  Sometimes I wonder about myself.  I wonder if my personality; my inclination to give people the benefit of the doubt over and over again; my giving and giving when I get nothing in return…I wonder if that gives me a propensity towards abusive relationships.  No, I don’t wonder.  Obviously, it does.  Sometimes I think about if I were ever in a physically abusive relationship.  I’d like to think I’d be out of there the second he every raised a hand–a finger–to me.  Then I look back at my history of relationships and I’m not so sure.  Hopefully, I’ll never have to find out.

I reached my limit with Kevin…in fact, I was over my limit with Kevin for quite some time.  I had known for a long time that I would have to end things, but I kept holding on and hoping that the good I saw in him would prevail.  I know one day it will…just not now or anytime soon.  And I couldn’t stick around any longer.  I was miserable…absolutely, totally, entirely miserable.  My family saw it, my friends saw it, and finally, I saw it.  I became this shell of a person…constantly disappointed or waiting to be disappointed–constantly worrying that he wouldn’t pull through; constantly sad when he never did pull through.  I was so, so sad.  It was time.

I broke up with him via email, which I know many of you will think cruel and unjust.  I had every intention of doing it in person…after one last serious talk of "shape up or ship out" and empty promises that things will change and he doesn’t want to lose me…he was back to the same old shit that incited the conversation in the first place.  It was a last resort for me.  I hadn’t seen him in two weeks and could barely get him on the phone.  Each day I waited to end it was a day of worry and fret that ate me up from inside out.  I sent him a long and heart-wrenching email ending things…I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t mean…I was nice…and I implored him to talk to me about everything if he so chose.  A few days after I sent the email I got a text that said, "Hey, I read your email…" from him and that’s the last I’ve heard from him at all.

It’s been really hard for me…the whole no closure thing, I guess.  I still think about him all the time.  I dream about him.  The thought of him dating other people rips me to shreds.  I wonder how he is…everywhere I look there’s something that reminds me of him.  It’s getting better, definitely…right after the breakup I was pretty much a mess–overly emotional, I couldn’t eat or sleep.  Now, although I miss him, I feel much more myself without him.  I’m not miserable anymore…I’m becoming the happy person I was before him.  And I’m grateful for that.  I feel good.

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I finished my last semester strong in law school and I’m really proud of myself for finishing the year 9th in my class.  It’s kind of made me feel like I really am on the right track and holy crap–I might actually know what I’m doing! hah!  As you know, I was going part time at night while I worked during the day.  About a month ago I was laid off from my job, so in a scramble I switched into the full time program so right now, I’m devoting allllllllllll of my time to school.  Which is tedious.  sigh.

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I’m suffering from severe back problems…I don’t really know how it started…but over Labor Day weekend I was completely bed-ridden.  I’m in constant pain 24/7 and my orthopedist refuses to give me painkillers because I’m in law school and need to focus in class–but I can barely sit in class for 2 hours and focus at all because I’m in so much pain–it’s a lose-lose.  I got an MRI and Xray today so hopefully from there on we can devise a gameplan for treatment.  I’m also seeing an holistic chiropractor which is…interesting.  Hopefully I’ll start feeling better soon.  I’ve been literally unable to do anything (i even missed some classes) for the past 3 weeks or so…it’s terrible.  I feel trapped.

Now that I’ve bored you all sufficiently, I’ll take my leave.  But I will be back soon to update.  And I’m going to try to catch up on everyone too!

love and light <3