Insight

I am intrigued by people, and even more by psychology.  I study people without even realizing it.  I observe things and I listen desperately to the words that come out your mouth.  I see if I can figure you out.  Everything you say, everything you do and even how you do it, tells me something about you.  I believe that people are the way they are for reasons in their past.  There is always some hidden reason, buried somewhere in the past, for why people do or believe certain things.  I seem to have a knack for reading people.  And also a terrible habit of perpetually seeing the good in people. 

I am constantly looking for their redemption.
And I usually find it where others likely wouldn’t.

I once told a friend that I already know my purpose in life.  I truly feel that my sole purpose for being on this earth is to love; to shower people with ridiculous, all-consuming, sunshine in your soul, like it or not I’m going to love you, love.

It’s just who I am.

I’m so incredibly introspective.  I’m always trying to figure myself out as well.  I constantly analyze myself.  I’m always trying to figure out why I feel certain ways or why I have certain beliefs or proclivities.  I assess where it might come from.  I try to find links…reasons. 

Unfortunately, I find that for myself, reason walks a fine line with rationalization.  While I am very in tune with myself and consider myself to be extremely self aware, I have to keep myself in check because I know how excellent I am at rationalization. 

What I’m trying to get at here is that I am smart, perceptive, insightful and chock full of love and guidance for other people…but for myself, I am a mess.  I am driven primarily by my emotions.

I also do not think love is something to be earned.  I know I have so much to offer.  I do love freely and wholeheartedly and I give of myself so endlessly.  But I think that’s part of it.  I know I’m amazing–so it’s the nagging thought– "why doesn’t he love me already?! I’m freaking awesome."  I don’t know why I feel like I have to earn his love.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that a normal person with no illogical hangups would be MAD for me at this point.  I’ll find out eventually.

Am I happy?  I’m not unhappy.  I’m not as happy as I could be, though.  Like you, I also relish moments.  Single freeze frames of certain feelings or happy little thoughts that pervade my days.  Peculiar things make me smile.  Seeing things that no one else sees makes me smile.  Also like you, I am optimistic. 

Good things are in store.

I deserve them. 🙂