I Wonder

I am exceedingly understanding and relentlessly empathetic.

I always examine a conflict situation from all sides and from all pairs of shoes before I act.

While it’s a good quality to possess for purposes of keeping even-tempered and even lawyering, it has hindered me in my life.

I often feel like I am never entitled to my feelings.  I do not react.  I evaluate.  I wish so much that I could just react with emotion and confidence in my emotions.  Instead, before I have any sort of reaction to something that bothers me, I question: should I be feeling this way?  Am I being irrational? Do I have a right to feel this way?  Is there any reason that would make the action that upset me excusable?  What reason did he/she have for doing/saying what they did?  Am I in the wrong here?

I feel like a normal person would just react…say what they feel with immediacy and firmness.  

Maybe it’s all those years of Catholic school that taught me not to argue with people when I have a conflict, but to try and resolve; to use "i" statements, rather than "You" statements; to be calm and keep the peace while talking rationally.

I know that I am entitled to my feelings, no matter what they be and however irrational.  I always get my point across tactfully and gently, even, for fear of making a situation worse with heated words or statements that one may take badly.  I do my best not to upset people while still making my point.  

I wonder, though, if it has the same effect.
I wonder if because I don’t explode or yell or emphatically emote my feelings people think they can get away with things.
I wonder if I did explode, get angry, and spew my feelings when I’m upset if things would be different.