He Saw Beautiful

 I don’t want to talk about him, because I hurt.  I thank my prior noters for their honesty and guidance and I have taken your words to heart.  I want you to know that your words have not fallen on deaf ears, and although I’m blurred by love, I am not blinded.  It’s one of my greatest struggles with myself that I often see things objectively and often know when things are not right, but I keep on trying.

I’m working on it.

<Irony>

*

I feel like I’m faking it sometimes.

I feel like I’m faking this whole working at a law firm and going to law school thing.  I don’t fit.  I’m not your typical law student and I often feel like I don’t belong here.  I’m not overwhelmed with school; I’m not super-competitive; Law school is not my entire life; law school does not dictate my life.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I should be all those things.  I see my classmates who are more this type and I question myself.  I will probably suffer in my career as an attorney because of this.  It’s not that I don’t have work ethic or drive–it’s that I value other things more than career/money.  Maybe I should go into public law.  I’d love to.  I have a bleeding heart and think I could really make a difference…but attorneys in public law make pittance.   I’d more than struggle for the first 10 years of my career to make my loan payments, let alone live.  After 10 years though, whatever you have not paid back on your loans is all forgiven.  That might be worth it.  I have to look at the numbers.

I know.  This is boring.  
I’m boring these days.

*

I’ve been sick for the past couple of days.  I have a terrible sinus infection and everyone’s been telling me that I look like shit.  I do.  I’m pallid and have big, dark, baggy circles under my eyes.  My nose is all red; my lips are chapped because I can’t breathe out of my nose.  I haven’t bothered with make-up because it requires too much energy.  I look like shit.  

I stopped for gas after work today before I took the drive to school.  I ran in to an old friend.  We used to be bar buddies a couple of years ago.  He always had a thing for me, but I was never interested.  He looked great.  He lost a bunch of weight and looked ruddy and healthy.  He told me I looked beautiful.  He was clearly lying and was perhaps just moved by the nostalgia of his feelings past for me.  I "aw shucks"ed and we made casual conversation.  We hugged goodbye and got into our cars.  He sped away in his cobalt blue lexus and my phone buzzed.  He sent me a text: "It was so good to see you.  You really do look hot, as always.  Say hey whenever you feel like it, maybe we could arrange to bump into eachother next time".

That was so nice to read…to feel.  I mean, I’m not exaggerating when I say I look like shit.  He saw beautiful, though.

Imagine that.