Goodbye, love.

 In a twist of irony, shortly after I saved and posted my last entry on Valentine’s Day, I got a phone call from my brother telling me that Grandma was in the hospital, her organs were shutting down, and I needed to get there immediately to say goodbye.

I arrived on the scene to find my family, solemn and red-eyed.  My grandfather paced about, in and out of the hospital room in fits of tears.  Apparently Grandma had said her goodbyes to everyone but me.  And now it was my turn. 

My grandmother knew she was dying.  I held her hand and told her how much I love her and that I didn’t want her to leave me yet.  I choked the words out between sobs.  My grandma told me she loved me and that she regrets not saying it enough.  She told me that she’s so proud of me and that she’s not worried about me at all.  She told me that she never had to worry about me.  I wish I had known what I wanted to say to her besides "I love you."  I wish I could have told her how much she means to me; how much she’s been an inspiration to me; how lost I will feel without her.  I couldn’t get the words out.  After many "I love you"s and one final "I’ll always be with you", we said goodbye.

It’s a funny thing about goodbye.  You never realize when you say it to someone that it could really be your last.

It was. 

Shortly after, my grandma left this world. Shortly after, began the hardest week of my life. 

I had never dealt with loss on this level before–I’m still dealing with it.  I was extremely close with my grandma.  We shared a very special bond; one that was unique to us and on a different level than the other grandchildren.  Grandma would always tell me how much I was like her.  Our personalities were very similar.  We liked the same things, and I apparently inherited many of her traits.  Grandma would always talk about how she and I would always be together, no matter what–that I would always carry her with me because "My Jenna is just like me."  Her Jenna.

My grandma was such an amazing, wonderful person.  She was the most generous and empathetic person I have ever known.  She felt so lucky and grateful to be blessed with the things she had and the family she had that she felt compelled to give back.  If anyone needed anything, Grandma was there to help.  Family always came first with her above all things.  She loved to gamble and was good, too!  She would come back from the blackjack tables thousands of dollars richer–and would share her good fortune with everyone.  She was so loving and accepting of all–not characteristic of a woman her age.  She passed no judgment.  She was a fighter.  She had been through so much pain her in life and fought the whole way through to the end.  

If I’m 1/10 of the woman she was, it would be an honor.

I’m feeling a deep sense of loss that I’ve never felt before.  I feel lethargic and unmotivated.  I know I’m grieving.  I’m back to school and back to life, but it all feels a little emptier now.  It’s hard for me to force myself to do things, be it homework or showing up to my internship.  Temporary depression brought on by grief, I think.  I know it will pass and I know that it will get easier as time goes on.  I just miss her so much.  I cry spontaneously.  I cry for my mother, who is hurting worse than I am.  But most of all, I cry for my grandfather, who has lost his love, his life, his everything.  I cry for myself too, though.  I cry that my grandmother won’t see me walk down the aisle.  I cry that she won’t meet any great grandbabies.  I cry that she won’t see me happy and successful and settled–which is all she ever wanted for me.  I feel guilty for not being a better grand daughter. 

I feel like everything’s changed and nothing will ever be the same within my family.  Our matriarch is gone.  The person who pulled us all together is gone.  I know she taught us well–but I’m so scared of everything falling apart.  She was our glue.

Everything just seems gray.  She added so much color to the world.  That color is gone.  I know only temporarily, but it’s still gone.  

I know she’ll always be with me, alive in memories; alive in my heart; alive in my actions.  I have some of her scarves and they still smell like her–sweet powdery perfume…

I guess I never really knew just how much I’d miss her.  I guess I never really thought of life without her.  

Well…I’m without her.  And I miss her so much that it physically pains me from the aching depths of my core.

Valentines Day will always be the day I said goodbye to my grandmother.  A day full of sadness, yes.  But a day full of love, too.