lowlights from the last four years

not sure if i’ll start writing here again, but here’s something to frame my life:

-i discovered that i’m a worthwhile person and started demanding better from nathan. the three of us went to therapy: none of us were happy about it, but it needed to be done. we looked at hierarchy and discovered that nathan was its primary protector. i felt utterly betrayed by nathan, since he clearly had no idea how to manage two loyalties at once. i stayed angry at meagan.

-the damage had been done. i had an incredible amount of trauma and i would have panic attacks and cut myself with some degree of regularity. i took an overdose of ghb in 2015, posting something scary and slurred on facebook from the bathtub, and a casual acquaintance called nathan at 4am. the paramedics cut off my soaking wet lace top and put me in a hospital gown. i went to the psychiatric hospital for a while.

-in 2016 nathan broke up with me for real, for my own good. i planned my suicide for two weeks, wrote my letters, and ate 5% of the 100mg of fentanyl in my possession. my brother — who was staying with me on suicide watch — found me, barely breathing, face bloody from a bad fall. my headphones were still on. my playlist, “outro,” was still playing in my bloody ears.

-i was in a coma for four days. nathan stayed with me in the icu at night and gave my mom a chance to sleep. my stepdad, a trained respiratory therapist, kept a close eye on my breathing machine. my mom taught nathan how to deal with his guilt, since she had had so much practice herself.

-the brain damage was extensive. i spent the next four months learning how to walk and talk.

-you remember that greek god of a man i kissed at an orgy at steve’s? he had been my friend for two years at that point, and he came to the rehab hospital to bring me thai food. i asked if i could kiss him and it was on.

-i graduated the rehab hospital and everyone was very proud. i’m basically neurotypical now, save for my inability to flail symmetrically.

-i went to redding for a month and went to town on forbidden chemicals: caffeine and alcohol. it felt good.

-i found an apartment in the bay area again. i rode my bike up grizzly peak with my still-damaged coma muscles.

-i went back to my job at Fancy Hospital. my brother quit grad school, and i retrieved my car from Atlanta. i got a drive-through margarita in texas.

-kristophe and i dated for a year and a half. he was the kindest, most accepting partner i’ve ever had, and he left me last week.

-i am okay this time.

-i’ve been dating nick for two months now. he’s really fucking nice too, and strangely committed to me.

-i know what i want out of a relationship this time. there are storms ahead, but i know it will be better.

-the end.