The failing supermom
It’s not fair. I should be happy, I should feel blessed after having a baby 5 months ago. I should be able to look at my daughter and see so much joy, but while I write this entry she cries because I’m not carrying her.
You see it feels like once the doctor handed her to me for the very first time, I dropped who I was or even what I wanted to be. It feels like I fail no matter what I do. If I try to focus on my 5-month-old daughter, I stop focusing on my business. If I focus on my business, my 5-month-old loses it which in return means I stop working on my business, and my business loses time. If I try to upkeep my home my 5-month-old loses it, so I can’t finish cleaning. If I try to help my husband with work, I have to stop paying attention to my business. If my 14 year old daughter decides she’ll be disrespectful in school, I’m expected to stop everything and now discipline her. In other words, I never complete anything I do because I am constantly having to drop something and put out fires. It doesn’t matter what I do I fail…. as I’m busy trying to put a million hats on with a million duties that never get completed. So…. where does this leave me? I never get to mind me. I don’t have the time to mind myself. And this depression, god this depression. Then to add to everything I also have to keep up with my appearance, I mean, I just had a baby. I forgot I’m also failing at losing the baby weight.
It’s okay, I’ll make sure my clients are satisfied and the customer service is great, I’ll make sure to post social media content every day in hopes of having new business, I’ll make sure to worry that it’s been days since my business has made no money but I still have expenses, I’ll make sure that all my reports have been completed, I’ll make sure I’m on time to all of my scheduled consultations, I’ll make sure that these 67 letters are folded, placed in an envelope , stamped and mailed, I’ll make sure to stay a happy camper even when my client clearly found a way to not pay me, I’ll make sure to keep a smile on when a new customer ghost me, I’ll make sure all of these emails are responded to, I’ll make sure all the bills are paid on time, I’ll make sure I make all of these doctors appointments, I’ll make sure to email your boss for you, I’ll make sure to ground my oldest daughter, I’ll make sure my oldest gets picked up from school, I’ll make sure breakfast and dinner are cooked everyday, I’ll make sure my daughters getting good grades, I’ll make sure his work is handed in right, I’ll make sure the house is clean, I’ll make sure to check my business is running correctly, I’ll make sure the groceries are done, I’ll make sure laundry is kept up with, all while taking care of a baby. I just want to be clear, this list is just the tip of the iceberg.
Months ago, I was in this exact rut. Right after the baby was born. I pleaded with my husband and told him what I was going through. I told him what was best was to place our baby in daycare. He refuses and says I need to find a way to deal with it “because Leah is not going to daycare shes too little”.
So here I am once again, losing it. As I write this my 5-month-old continues to scream because she turned around onto her belly and she hates being on her belly. But this is the thing, I’m not talking about a normal cry, I am talking about a cry where you would think she’s being tortured or beaten. It’s a screaming that makes your hands shake. This is ALL DAY. As long as she is not being carried or attended to, this is ALL DAY. And I know its because she wants to be carried because I’ll feed her, change her, make sure shes comfortable, but she’ll continue to cry. The minute I lift her up, it magically stops and she starts smiling again. Then I’ll put her down again and the screaming starts again. So I’ve brought this to his attention. I have asked him to please not carry her all weekend because it’s hard to work with a baby who wants to be carried all of the time. He decided he will not stop carrying her when he’s home because “I’m only home 2 days a week, I want to carry my daughter”. So, I guess I’ll just deal with it then. 😑
It’s safe to say I’m absolutely drained. I want to give up so bad. I can’t find a reason to keep up with this. I have never been the type of woman who wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be a mom, I just never thought I’d be a stay-at-home mom. I have always worked, and gone to school, even when my 14-year-old daughter was just a baby. She was in daycare, but my oldest WAS NOT LIKE THIS. Jesus, my oldest barely cried, she was just happy all of the time. I am getting ready to let me business just die out. I can’t walk out on my family, so I guess my business will be the one to take the hit. It’s just so hard for me to accept this. I’ve worked so hard, and working has always been a part of who I am. I feel like letting go means I become 100% dependent on him, I lose my individuality, my security, my safety net and a part of my identity. Not only have I lost who I am after having the baby, I’m getting ready to lose another part of me for the sake of my family. I feel like I give so much of myself but its not good enough, and in the midst of it all I wear myself away.
I refuse to cry anymore. I want to be supermom, momrepreneur, doing it all, like these women I see on instagram, but I’m losing my shit. My depression has got me drained. There are times where I wish I could just run away. Of course I prefer to beat myself to the ground before I’ll ever do that.
My husband asks me how he can help? lol I actually find this question funny, because the answer will always be how? In all reality hes never taken any interest in my business, he works all of the time so he can’t help me with the girls or the house, or the cooking or the cleaning. So how do you intend to help? The money I make from the business does not generate enough to pay for a nanny or a cleaning service, nor do I make enough to pay an employee. The money I currently make is only enough to pay the business’s bills, my expenses, and my savings. As much as I have tried to take my business to another level so I am able to hire someone to help I fail because of the lack of time I am able to truly dedicate to it. It’s a never ending failing circle. There really is no solution other than everyone and everything to continue to ride on my back. The supermom who slowly dies inside. I don’t see a way out.
I confess I stopped reading this because I want to assert you believe a lie:
There is no reason to feel blessed. It is hard work, and post partum depression is a thing, and you don’t need to validate how you feel. No matter what you do, be an ally to yourself.
You would be a kind and generous soul to a person on the street in need of help. We encourage you to be as kind with yourself.
@cygnusx-1 Your right! I need to learn to be kind to myself. I am my worst critic and I will beat myself up. It’s hard looking at these women on social media so happy its annoying lol. It just adds on to the expectations for myself which then adds to this heavy bag of depression. My depression was really bad the first 3 months, then it got better but its came back to rock me again smh.
Thank you for your kind words!
@lamadre you are quite welcome. We were deployed most often, and our Others were left home to care for the children, but we are finely aware of the difficulties of the tasks as well as the physiological trauma of, you know, creating life from two really small ingredients.
I am full of kind words for myself but I also have to guard against them becoming excuses, if I am wise. It is a paradox for which we have found interesting methods for guarding this. One has to remember that bravery is just willfulness in the face of terror, not the absence of terror. Comfort seeking told me that it was ok to do nothing, because I couldn’t change everything. Lack of momentum makes it hard to get started when we are already in the pit, we know this.
But we have been in the pit, and we know some ways out. You could find your own way out, we have faith, but if you want advice, we will share what we have found. We have walked many miles in many shoes, and will try to find metaphors that relate to your experiences.
Depression, we think, never goes away really. It is the amassing of what we call the WTH hormone. We get flooded with cortisol when we are stressed and can’t convince ourselves we got this. When we can convince outrslves we got this, it is adrenaline we get, and now it is a party, yeah?
it really is a hack, but it works. We have access to our breath, and that can help us change our internal state at will. It is a high payoff skill, whether changing diapers, answering why for the millionth time, or getting shot at.
@lamadre it is useful to keep in mind that most of these things you see on social media are an attempt to enlist YOU, the viewer into supporting THEIR delusions.
I assert most of them are not happy except when they are trying to convince you they are. Look at Gabby and her boyfriend. Happy is a trap. Kids won’t make us happy, happy is transient and something you feel not something you are, but if we are wise, it is so fulfilling that nothing else comes close.
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Oh sweetheart, I want to give you the biggest hugs. I’ve felt that way so many times, and this is a feeling so many other mothers have. They’re so impatient, so needy, and yes balancing it is nearly impossible, to be honest.
You probably already know, but should hear it – those moms on instagram are full of crap. One of my longtime friends on FB posts all of these perfect meals that she makes for her kids, and makes her house one huge montessori space. It crossed my mind here and there about how I should have more things for them to do, or “limit screen time,” or whatever – then I am like…you’re a try-hard that pretends like your child never had a tantrum or accident before.
You actually may even have forgotten the neediness of your 14yo when she was a baby! My oldest didn’t sleep, and now I think to myself, “well it was like 6 or 8mos, so really it wasn’t that long of a time” but quickly remember THAT IT WAS HORRIBLE and I was severely depressed constantly. My 2nd was a far easier child, but she STILL has daily full-out meltdowns every day at 7yo (she is not disabled). In the future, I may look back on it and it may not seem so bad how long I put up with it.
Also – when your 14yo was born, maybe you were in a different place in your life and your career? That’s a big contributer. A lot happens in 14 years, too!
Sending you love and hugs.
@allforcorgis Thank you for taking the time to reply to my entry. You really did lift my spirits.
Now that you’ve mentioned it; I’ve been so smothered by this depression and my everyday task that I completely forgot my oldest didn’t sleep through the night until she was 9 months old! I remember at some point I started hallucinating! At the time I was going to school and working so my life had a total different set up. WOW! It was terrible lol
It’s hard being the rock or the backbone to your entire family. Some days are just much harder than others, and the day I wrote this entry it was definitely one of those days you go to sleep crying, wondering if you’re doing things right.
Thank you so much, your words really did touch me.
*many hugs ❤️
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