#bellLetsTalk

If we’re going to talk about it, let’s really talk about it, right?

I always joke that it takes a lot of work to look as average as I do, and the truth is it really does. It’s not just physical but a mental struggle for me.

When you have an eating disorder you have it for life. It wakes up with you every morning and goes to bed with you every night. It makes your self hatred run so deep you can’t stand to be in your own skin. So on top of living healthy, you have to fight your own demons, demons that are so ingrained in you, you can’t separate them from yourself.

“This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you.”

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

If you’re on PB, in 2014 I wrote an entry detailing my emotional meltdown during a juice cleanse in regards to my eating disorder. Interesting.