I feel broken.. and I’m not sure if I can be fixed

I feel broken… and I’m not sure if I can be fixed

I got a letter in the mail yesterday. It seems my… ex… boyfriend fell out of love with me, and he was too scared to do it in person, or even call. He sent me what’s known as a ‘Dear John’ letter.

I hurt. Even after I talked to him and understand he was scared to tell me… I don’t understand why he was scared. I’m a freakin’ pushover and I let people walk all over me. I always have. I would have appreciated the truth, but he kept strining me along for a year, possibly 3.

How do  you take the fact that the man you adored, you raised on a pedestal. trusted with your whole self and loved him to the depths of your soul… sends you a Dear John letter that says it’s ‘over’?

I want to be so angry. I want him to rott in hell. But then I start thinking… and I know he’s not a bad person, and then I start laughing, remembering stupid things he did… and I realize that I loved him more than I thought. He holds a bigger piece of me than I’d ever realized…

If anyone’s been there, how long does it take for the pain to go away? This was my first very serious relationship and I… I don’t know what to do.

I feel lost and sad and hurt and confuised and I don’t understand how he could treat me this way. If he loved me one iota of what I loved him… and wanted to be my friend, why did he kick me like that?

Whywhywhy? That’s all I keep asking myself. Where did I go wrong? What did I do that drove him away and made him stop loving me?

I know I want him to be happy… and it hurts that he’s not happy with me. It hurts that I’m not the woman he can love anymore. When I love things, I set the free. Eventhough it’s as painful as it is… and I regret leaving the nasty-grams on his phone because he was too much of a coward to pick up.

I finally txted him and said if you’d ever loved me, to call me back…

Honestly, if he hadn’t’ve called back, I probably would have done something really really stupid. I still feel like it to tell the truth.

My mother won’t leave me alone about it. She smacks my back telling me it’ll get better. I know it’ll get better… but how? When? Why can’t people leave me the hell alone about it? Why do they ALWAYS have to throw in their damned two cents. Like everyone has dated a guy 8 years and then gotten a Dear John letter from the man you worshiped.

He told me I was kind, and I was caring and loving and trusting to a fault… and I was in love… I was so blind… That I was a good person, that I put so much into the relationship and treated him so well… I don’t think I did. I can be a really nasty person to deal with… He just felt so bad… that he was stringing me along, that he didn’t want to marry me or have kids or… anything.

I can’t have kids… that was just a fancy pipe dream I wanted. Every girl wants a kid and a husband (or wife) and a happy life… I could live with that because there’s all kinds of babies that need love… they don’t have to be mine. As for marriage? I was so happy just to be with him. He made my day brighter when he called or txted me or… just anything. I didn’t have to marry him. I just wanted to know he loved me and wanted me… and I should have taken the sigh and the resigned sounding ‘of course’ as my answer and walked away with my head held high…

Now I’m hanging my head in shame because I kept him trapped for at least three years… and I don’t know why I feel so guilty… so hurt and angry.

*cries* I just want the pain to go away. I don’t want to stay up all night remembering. I don’t want to see his face anymore when I try to go to sleep because seeing him made me comfortable… he made me feel safe…

He still wants to be friends… I’m not sure if I can, but damn it, I’ll try. He was the best person… and I thought he treated me really well except the past few months when I was hurt and confuised at his actions… and I’m totally bewildered by this… that I got the rug yanked from underneath me. I really don’t think I’d take well to seeing him date another person. I really don’t because I love him so much… and it hurts me that I’m angry at him.

It probably wasn’t the smartest of things, but I wrote him last night/this morning because I couldn’t sleep. I’d been crying so hard I threw up. I was shaking and shivering and it felt like I couldn’t breathe… and I still can’t breathe becacuse my chest feels so painful.

*laughs* Like Adam said in Untamed Heart. "Why does it hurt so much here *touches the place where his heart is* when you’re not here?"

I got mad, started screaming at God what did I do wrong? Why did it have to happen this way? What’s His plan for me?

I don’t think I’ll ever date again… I hurt too much and I don’t think I could gather up enough courage or even trust another man again. I was violated in more than simply a cruel manner with that letter. Whatever respect or trust… and here I go crying again because he made me smile. He made me laugh… he made me feel proud and let me look into the mirror for the first time in years and made me see I was pretty. That I was loved and I wasn’t just something to be used.

I still love him… I can’t help it.

 I can only hope that someday… perhaps, he’ll realize he made a mistake… but then it’d be too late. I’m not sure I could trust him again, but I do know, if he changes his mind, I’d probably run right to him… and set myself up for more heart-ache. He doesn’t want me to wait for him… I will, for awhile… but I can’t wait forever. The good years of my life are gone. Poof. Wasted. and I can’t get them back…

Why does it have to hurt so badly?