my letter to you

very personal and just a little graphic so discretion lol 

just a little backstory to this diary entry i had written a few days ago: i just had my 20th birthday and my ex-boyfriend, after no contact of three years (i have him blocked on everything) decided to call my best friend a million times and beg her give me a letter he had written me. just to preface, the relationship ended terribly. he had cheated on me multiple times with different women and had another relationship behind my back as well. very messy, tried to get in contact with me for years but i ignored everything. we had been friends since middle school and we were each other’s first loves. both of our home lives were terrible and neither of us had any other friends at the time. we had dated for about two years and spent most of our middle school through high school time together. that’s why the relationship was especially painful. this is my reply to him that i will most likely never give him. i woke up out of a cold sweat to write all of this down. 

run-on sentences and grammatical errors ahead, too tired to care… you’ve been warned

hi, i don’t know if i’m going anywhere with this, but i felt like i should just spout off my feelings as they come. first of all, i wanted to let you know that i do forgive you, but i don’t want to say that to absolve all your guilt. you hurt me terribly and you need to use that knowledge in whatever future relationships you have in order to not repeat that cycle. i don’t know what made you change so suddenly, puberty or issues with your mom erupting or something else i don’t even know of, but it was like you had a switch and you flipped it. i’m not going to lie, i’ve smoked pounds of **** since then so i don’t remember all of the details and nuances of the whole situation, but i do remember how it made me feel. not to mention the personal & permanent changes in my personality, thinking, beliefs, self-image that occurred from it.

i think what still upsets me most is that you would undermine my feelings and gaslight me into thinking i was crazy or delusional while you knew my assumptions of your cheating were true. not only that, but after i had decided to go no contact with you, you would post nasty, hurtful comments about my appearance or say that my ***** smelled (why is that always a mans first line of defense?). just stuff to publicly embarrass me, or create the notion that i was some psycho abusive bitch. and that constant stalking and harassment. especially when, i don’t know if you told her to sent it or if it was her decision, (his current girl) sent me a message out of nowhere, when i had never spoken to her before, telling me how disgusting and awful i was/am for how i treated you. i know i’ve been shitty too, too public with the inner workings of our relationship, saying cruel things out of anger to hurt you. i’m not going to lie and say i didn’t think you deserved it. just know i won’t do it again, unless you do something to fuck me over but i don’t see that happening for the moment.

while i appreciate the intention of your letter, i wish you hadn’t tried to bother me on my birthday. it just made me sad that whole day, confused. i don’t know if you know this, but i haven’t dated anyone since you. i’ve talked to a handful of guys and went on some dates but it just never worked out. it’s not like i can put my focus into someone else when you try to pop back up in my life, i take it all and can’t stop thinking about it and reliving it. the bad memories cloud over the good ones. i wish it wasn’t that way but the bad was so erosive to my mental state and my development. it’s weird to think that all of this happened and we were just kids. we shouldn’t have been having sex and delving in all that p**n stuff at 14. i know it stemmed from both of our sexual traumas but i think it ruined the sweetness and innocence of our relationship. i could only view myself in how appealing i was sexually and you definitely developed a worse p**n addiction. i think that’s why it hurt me deeper when you got with other girls, everything i had built up in my head of my new found, reclaimed sexuality felt for nothing, it didn’t help that i compared it to the relationship i had with my dad. feeling used sexually, only being viewed sexually, and then ultimately feeling abandoned.

that’s another thing i wanted to say, i definitely have some sort of serious mental issues that did not help our relationship. i think whatever you have and whatever i have did not and do not mix well when we’re both in our manic states. i can remember obsessing over you, what you were doing, who you were with, how you thought about me. and you didn’t want any sort of affection from me because of my smothering. i don’t think you’re the type to want to be tied down to any one person. and at some point my obsession turned into hate and that seems like a pretty consistent pattern that’s been developing in me. i’m starting to understand you in a sense. i love being single, having no obligations to anyone, doing whatever i want when i want to. but to be fair it seems like every guy i talk to just pisses me off. been questioning my sexuality for like the 5th time in my life and i think it all boils down to i shouldn’t be with anyone. i remember how pathetic i used to act when we weren’t together but we still hung out and f***ed around because i was so naive. i feel so gross about it, and how i would dumb myself down so you would take pity on me. i’d like to think that i won’t ever put someone on a pedestal like that again. i value how tumultuous our relationship was because it helped me figure out myself and how i view men as a whole. i’d again like to think that i won’t be as stupid in future relationships. like how i can cut through the bullshit and figure out peoples true motives and i won’t drag shit out in an endless forgiving loop. like that’s what my mom did and look where it got her.

i’ve been thinking about that a lot too, how things cycle in through our parents into us. just here recently i’ve been remembering a bunch of stuff from childhood and how much i act like my mom. like i give and it’s all take. but i just put up with it because the feeling of being alone kills me. i just remember how you would build me up just to break me down again. it felt like nothing i could do was right. and i was just a kid, i shouldn’t have been thinking that way.