you’ll know

1. in september, a letter came while i was on the road. i didn’t get it until december. the envelope was opened, maybe something was removed? i don’t know. postmarked eastern maine, no return address. two large pieces of paper with ripped edges, folded neatly. there is a list of words, alphabetical order, each followed by rows of numbers. statistics of some kind. the first paper is L words. the word loves is highlighted, and the numbers following. the second paper is M words. my name is highlighted, and the numbers following. i don’t know anyone in eastern maine. i wonder if there was a third paper.

2. i got a package last night, shipped from connecticut. it’s a explodingdog.com shirt i had included on a ‘want list’ from my site. i never expected anyone to send anything. there wasn’t a note. i started crying at the mailbox. i wish i knew who to thank, but because i don’t- if this is you, and you’re reading this, thank you. thank you for the shirt, but more importantly, thank you for how it made me feel.

3. i wanted to read that piece about you at open mic tonight, but we got there late. the paper was in my purse, weighing me down with those words, those memories. our history is a good thing to carry; our memories are more sweet than sour. i’m sorry you’ve been hurting so much, lately, and i wish i could be there. you were the one who gave me permission to walk away from him, something i didn’t know how to give myself. i wish i could do the same for you. just know that i’m behind you in whatever choices you make. next week i will read, filling so many eyes, so many hearts, with a picture of you. i wish you could be there to listen.

4.  this is what i couldn’t bring myself to explain- that it was the choice between living and dying. that i chose between love and living, that i chose living. that there have been moments i’ve regretted my decisions, but i woke up this morning and liked being alive. i wake up most mornings and like being alive.

5. i love how your eyes smile when you look at me. i love how you know my history and love me anyway. i love how i can be completely honest with you, how i don’t have to hold anything back. i love how you don’t like to go to sleep without me. i love how you believe in me. i love you.

6. i’m dreaming of charleston in early summer. if anyone is my muse, it is them, as a whole. together, we are fingers flashing over keys, hearts stretching through phonelines, something that can be counted on. i need this, in my life. i need them.