you & you & you

1. waiting for you is second nature. i waited for months for your eyes to meet, and hold, mine. i waited for years to feel your hand on my waist, your mouth grazing mine, my body melting underneath yours. i waited for you to come back, i waited for you to come back, i waited for you to come back to me. maybe this is another silence. it’s been a few days since i’ve seen your name written underneath the word ‘love’, written underneath the words that said exactly what i knew they’d say- that you’re sorry, that you thought you could but you were wrong, that you’re sorry sorry sorry and you miss me every day. maybe this isn’t another silence, and you just don’t know what to say yet- but waiting for you isn’t uncomfortable. it’s in my blood, and this was never something i wanted to be so good at doing, but here i am. and there is nothing else i could do.

2. i drove all night through the mountains and morning caught me flying towards that city when every atom should’ve been screaming at me to turn around, danger danger danger. i told myself i could feel the distance between his heart and mine. i told myself the memories surfacing were only accidents. i told myself i was over it, over everything, over him. the leaves were turning, warm autumn sun, and with my hand tracing curves on the air, i wanted to prove it. i didn’t know how, and then i met you. i thought i could make myself fall in love. i left more damaged than i came. i left you damaged in ways a simple apology cannot fix. friendship is something i know we can’t return to, but that i can’t help but miss.

3. i spend some nights in the living room and some nights in his bed. our bed. his bed. this is, we are, being altered, shifting in ways too delicate to always see. he didn’t expect me to come home last night, but i did. i tease him about girls he talks to, and am suprised to find so little jealousy- i just don’t want him with some girl who isn’t smart enough, kind enough, good enough. we’re both settling into this new version of ‘us’ slowly, but i’m not as scared as i was yesterday, or the day before, or the day before. being alone seems safer, knowing i’ll have him as a friend. knowing i can call, knowing if i need it, he’ll hold my hand.