plural words become singular

1. i was thinking about hilary today, about visiting michigan in the middle of a broken heart and the first crush i had had in years. we wrote together, filling pages with the words we had both been avoiding for too long. in her mother’s kitchen, i ate strawberry rhubarb pie for the first time, and outside, there was snow on the ground. it was winter like we didn’t have where i was living; i felt incredibly distant from my life. on pink and blue paper, we wrote topics for eachother, promising we’d each write one a day. i broke that promise, and eventually, my mother accidentally threw away the topics. a few weeks ago, i found one tucked into a corner in my purse. i carried it in my pocket for days, like a good luck charm. (on the plane ride home, i rubbed those pieces of paper between my fingers, crying quietly. i didn’t know where i was going, or what i wanted, much less how to answer all the questions i knew they’d ask.)

2. sleep lately is inconsistent and frequently disrupted. no nightmares this week, and i’ve remembered some dreams, but they’re all so inconsequential. i dream about the internet. i want to dream about telephones. i want to dream answers to questions. i wake up, and i don’t feel rested. i take a shower, put on more makeup than i’m used to, and pretend i’m not tired. in contrast to my body, my heart is–

3. i am not the kind of girl who waits for the world to turn into what she wants. this ends up meaning that i make a lot of big decisions very quickly. i trust my instincts. some people call this running away. i call it taking my chances to find something better, and believe me when i tell you, i know when to stay. — consider this foreshadowing.

4. i was listening to van morrison today, packing a suitcase. i am in love with the song ‘crazy love’. it is one of those songs that someday, i’d like someone to hear it and think of me. i remember talking with jo, about those kind of songs, and making lists of which songs and who we’d want them to remind. i talked to her, briefly, online, a few weeks ago. we haven’t seen eachother since the summer i was eighteen. i showed her tenth & cherry- we sat on one of the corner stones, looking down at the street, trying to see where our lives and hearts were going. we both had burgandy-red hair and fair skin, and walking with her in my hometown, i wondered if anyone thought we were sisters. i would’ve liked that. i always loved her. i still do.

5. lists feel comfortable lately, maybe because there are so many small things i have to say, and so many big ones i’m not ready to say yet. i like having secrets, maybe because it’s something i’m not used to, but at the same time, i think it’s about time this one isn’t such a secret anymore.

6. today, a plural word became singular.