mercury. blood boiling. imminent change.

i’m fucking tired of how everyone feels the need to reinvent history, to paint it over as something prettier, something more palatable than it really is. the fucking truth is that the truth isn’t always something beautiful. it is raw and there are jagged edges, and sometimes, it says everything we don’t want to hear-

but this is how life is.

honesty doesn’t scare me like it scares you. i won’t let it.

because

i am going to be just another name on a list. you don’t have to tell me i’m just like everyone else, because i know. you knew who i was when you said ‘i love you’, when you said ‘i’ll love you forever’. you knew what i could promise and what i couldn’t, and let me promise anyway. knowledge of the faultlines, existence of the faultlines. the blame in this situation is equal.

and don’t you think i fucking hate how you’re making yourself out to be the only broken one. don’t you think i fucking hate how you claim that only your heart has the ability to feel this pain. you don’t know. you won’t ever know. you’re too frightened to listen, same as me. i’m not an angel, but neither are you, and if you’re in hell, it’s of your own accord. you’ll see this.

i wish you heard me when i said i couldn’t. i want to run away and i can’t tell you this. i don’t want to answer the phone. there aren’t many people i really want to talk to anymore, this antisocial tide is rising, and i’m sorry, you’re not on the list. you are not a-list, and you won’t ever be. this is how i work. my heart is the worst machine i’ve ever met.

you don’t remember making love that night. you were too drunk. you were crying. you were sobbing and you begged me and i said yes. i just wanted to make you happy. that’s probably the last time i’ll make you happy, if i know myself. you won’t ever trust me, after this. i know that in my bones. i love you, i love you, i whispered into your shoulder. and you don’t remember.

i wonder if you knew it was goodbye. i wonder if i knew it. i drove back with my heart glued together in the wrong places. i wonder if i had any idea what had happened, what was happening. i think i was blind. i think you knew all along. about the goodbyes, at least. i won’t hate you for it.

i don’t hate anyone, the nearest i’ve come has been myself, but goddamn, you were such a close second.

i don’t know if there are any good reasons to be with anyone anymore. the fact is, you didn’t split me open, you didn’t knock me down, you weren’t the only thing i could see. i was wrong. i need a love like a natural disaster. earthquake you, hurricane me. let’s destroy eachother and start over again. i don’t know if that’s a promise i could make, but it’s the only thing i know to say.

jealousy doesn’t come so easy. i just hated that you didn’t want me the way you wanted them. my heart was burning up, ashes, no phoenix. what’s left? and i just hated that it seemed like i was so easy to replace even when you said i wasn’t. maybe i should be easy to replace. maybe i am. maybe you’re just wrong. time changes things.

every time i start to shut the door, you say something and i pause, and maybe it’s that pause that will get you in, in the end. i don’t know. sometimes you’re right, and sometimes you’re wrong. from what i’m told, i’m always wrong. this would matter if i listened more.

life as an open book, not so nice in this rainy season, but it’s better than the alternative. i pray to god that i won’t wake up one day and be like you. i am just like everyone else. i am nothing like you. to someone, i couldn’t be just like everyone else, i’m always going to be on fire and shining and worth whatever time it takes. if i am ever too much like you, i will shoot myself.

honest.