i said, ‘i have a sacred heart’. she listened.

i am listening to a song that reminds me of the good parts of last spring, and there are good parts. i didn’t know i could feel so good in the middle of feeling so bad. those few weeks, even if their reason was something that can make me ache, even now, were incredible. all of you held me together. held me so i could sleep without waking up, held my hand while i ate for the first time in days, held me when i cried so hard i shook- held, held, held. comfort meant love. being held, maybe i’ve never felt so loved.

there have been so many words, lately, in so many secret places. poems, even. first drafts and beginnings that i don’t hate. i keep remembering things i’ve forgotten, and needing to write them down. i keep seeing things i haven’t seen before, and needing to write them down before i forget them. and i keep wanting to write about such ordinary things, too-

i was the girl who was in love with everything ordinary. once upon a time, i was. i remember this. i had forgotten. i remembered, and i wrote it down.

like making dinner. sesame ginger chicken with sauteed sweet onions, cous-cous with roasted pine nuts and tomatoes and scallions steamed over ginger-water, and a lemon, lime, and orange salad. or the night before, the peppery chicken soup with parmesan and oregano flavors peeking out around the vegetables — ordinary things like this. or the good things about sundays, but especially this one: tomato soup and leftover cous-cous for brunch, a nap, a bubblebath and a book, a phonecall from a friend i never get tired of talking to. or just details. my desk is messy, i’ve been wearing my hair in tiny pigtails, i’m applying to culinary school, i wish i had new art supplies.

forgive me, if you don’t want to know about how i make salsa, if you don’t care about matters that are not Heartbreaking or Consequential, if you don’t want to hear about the strange small things i notice in the afternoons of every day. if you get tired of this, break my heart or something, and i’ll see what i can do.

in the meantime, i have tried to make bread three times in the past three weeks, and the dough will never rise. i have no idea what i’m doing wrong. a friend told me to buy a breadmaker, but i’m a from-scratch kind of girl. my mint-chocolate brownies, on the other hand, were quite good.