10/25/03

(i know the world can’t always be somewhere i want to be)

driving home this morning, and the sky is gray, some perfect backdrop for the way the trees play autumn. i’m watching the road and the world passing by and trying so hard to think about them instead of the way my stomach feels like it’s tied in knots, instead of the way my eyes are sore and swollen, instead of the way my head and heart are aching in time with one another-

some familiar song comes on the stereo, and then another, and the first reminds me of one boy, and the second reminds me of the next.

with him, i was safe from my nightmares. i was safe from my past. i was safe from my memories. it’s as simple as that. he didn’t fix me, and it didn’t matter if he could make me happy. it wasn’t that. he didn’t make me unhappy, and the truth is, almost everyone else does.

and i’m crying, again, suddenly, without warning. this was not part of the plan.

when it comes down to it, there’s about half of my life i wouldn’t mind forgetting.

last night, i was drunk and this boy was drunk, and he hit me. he didn’t mean to hit as hard as he did, or exactly where he did, across my cheekbone and eye socket. for a minute i sat still, in something like shock. i was conscious of every muscle in my body, every bone, and all that blood.

and i fell apart. because regardless of intent, i can’t handle being hit. i can’t handle everything it brings back. and i was crying, hard, and then, like most of my panic attacks, i only have this fragmented version-

i remember running out the front door. i remember the cold of the cement sidewalk. i remember trying to breathe. i remember almost throwing up. i remember sitting my car screaming. i remember holding a lit cigarette up to my wrist. i remember when he (the good one) came and sat next to me, and just listened. i remember not recognizing the sounds coming from my throat, thinking they sounded like someone dying.

i felt like i was dying.

i couldn’t sleep solidly. i woke up shaking twice. he was asleep and didn’t wake up. i didn’t want him to.

and then there’s this morning, and i don’t have the time for this kind of pain, at all. i’m trying to walk around and be okay, but every detail of my life that i keep trying to wash away is so clear, so vivid, because of last night. i feel their weight. they are stones around my neck, tied to my wrists and ankles. some moments, it would be so easy just to go ahead and drown.

but i never do.