Yeah, Well . . . Admission Time?

Yeah.  I think that about says it all.  Except it doesn’t.  I’ve been screwing up my courage for a bit now, as anyone can tell from the other entries I’ve posted concerning the relationship aspect of Rob and me.  I have to break up with him.

The relationship just isn’t working anymore.  I’m not sure that it ever really did because of all the damned residual stuff I’ve been going through thanks to Mike.  I was so sure I was over him, but . . .  It’s a very different thing, saying you’re over someone who’s there every day, in your face every minute, still claiming to love you, and saying you’re over someone who suddenly isn’t there, doesn’t want anything to do with you, and is trying to convince everyone you mutually knew that everything that happened is your fault.

The first instance, there’s something of a safety net present.  The idea that even if I did get a crush on another guy, even if I dated another guy, kissing another guy, that Mike’d always be there waiting in the wings, no matter how much it pissed me of at the time.  But that safety net was always there.  It was protection, of a sort, I guess.  Because I truly never have wanted to be alone.  But I think I need to be now.

Because in the latter case, well, that safety net is gone, and without someone there, Rob, anyone, it feels like I’ll just be suspended in space, floating alone.  Like I felt my senior year, after Dolly’s and my estrangement, but before I could confidently say to myself, "Yes, I know Mike and I are best friends."  Which ended up being the biggest lie of all, but that’s another story, for another entry, at another time.

The point is, while I do see Rob as a friend, I don’t look at him as someone to be romantic with anymore.  But I dread, absolutely dread, the idea of breaking up with him because while I know that he and Mike are two separate people, I’m afraid of him having the same reaction that Mike did.  That clingyness, that hopelessness, that almost demand that I se him the way he claimed to see me.  I can’t go through that again.  But I can’t keep up the charade, either.

Last night, there was a thunderstorm.  It was fine, at first.  You know, there was lightning, thunder, Rob spazzed when the power went out and leapt into my lap.  But then, and I guess this happens when the power goes out, the smoke alarm started doing this buzzing thing, and we couldn’t figure out how to get the damned thing to stop.  Rob went up on a chair to try and take it completely off the wall, remove the batteries, something, but nothing was working.  We couldn’t find where batteries went in, and it had these two wires that connected it to the wall that didn’t look like they could be undone.

Well, he had left it hanging there from the ceiling and the power company called us back only to have us on hold for a good five or ten minutes.  While he was sitting there on hold, I pointed the lit flashlight to the ceiling where the alarm thing was and said something like, "Can you set that back up?"  And I got up to go over to the phone in case the impossible happened and we were taken off hold.  Well, he’d gotten up, yet when I went over, instead of moving out of my way and going to the chair to attach the alarm thing back to the ceiling, he sat back down.  I said to move and he got back up, but then had no idea what I’d wanted him to do.

It escalated into something of an actual argument where I finally unleased to him that I was sick of having to dumb down my vocabulary, I was sick of not being able to voice concepts and ideas, I was sick of having to explain every last little thing that I mean when I speak, etc.

To be honest, that’s a big part of why I don’t feel I can be together with him anymore.  At least not right now.  Intellectually, he doesn’t stimulate me at all.  He doesn’t catch obvious jokes or sarcasm in statements, I can’t restart a conversation with him that we’d begun even a few hours before because he’s completely lost when I pick back up with it . . .

I can’t talk freely with him, because he doesn’t even try to keep up.  Well, okay, maybe he does try, but he never manages it.  And I’ve tried to be patient.  I’ve tried giving him the chance to grow, but honestly, I’m so sick of being compared to other people in his head.  I mean, in terms of his seizures, "Oh, well, that’s just what everyone else has always done."

Now, to a degree, I’ll give him that one.  Yet there’s one very important difference between me and all the other people he’s met who’ve ever seen him have a seizure: I KNEW SOMEONE ELSE WITH EPILEPSY AND SAW HIM HAVE MULTIPLE SEIZURES!!!!  IF IT DIDN’T FREAK ME OUT WITH SHAUN, WHY SHOULD IT FREAK ME OUT WITH ROB?????

In terms of him missing something obvious, like throwing something away, or him having left something out, or whatever, "Well, I’ve never had this reaction before, I expected you to be all annoyed, cuz that’s what my mom always does."

News fu-lash: I’M NOT YOUR MOMMY!!!!  AND I DON’T WANT TO BE, EITHER.  I WISH THE PEOPLE I BECAME THE GIRLFRIEND OF WOULD QUIT COMPARING ME TO THEIR MOMMIES, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THEM, NOR AM I LIKE THEM!!!

I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  Just because of how he’s grown up and how little his parents and siblings expected of him over the years has taken its toll.  He’s not used to rising to the expectations of someone like me and has no idea how to do it.  Logically, I know this.  But I can’t sit around waiting to see if maybe he’s someone I could fall head over heels with when/if he does become someone on my mental level.  And I’m not trying to say that I’m some genius or something, though I do have an above average IQ, as far as I know, but I’m used to quick thinking, debates, bouncing concepts off other people, things like that.  I can’t even dicuss the overt themes in a movie to Rob, let alone the more hidden and complex ones.  He either doesn;t catch them, or doesn’t have anything more worthwhile than, "Yeah, that was interesting," to say about them.  ::Sighs::

I’ll do something soon, in any case.  Oh, news update on the hedgehog: She’s still eating and drinking fine, though those growths are looking more prominent.  I called the other vet today and got voicemail, hopefully she’ll call me back tomorrow and I can schedule a consultation.

On a bit of good news, Borders is having a Harry Potter midnight party where you can come dressed in costume.  I’m going in costume, I just have to finish making the shirt, I’ve already got the skirt and hat.  Plus, I’m about two thirds of the way through the third book.  I’m determined to read all six before reading the seventh and I need to accomplish this before the 20th, because that way, I can delve right into the seventh.  I’m not going to talk to anyone, go anywhere, come online, or ANYTHING, until I’ve finished number seven.  I’m not gonna have anything spoil it for me this time.