Wonderings And Insecurities
So, I had an idea of what I wanted to write about, until I actually clicked on the ‘write an entry’ link . . . Oh, yeah! My classes, so far, are going fairly well. The only one I’m really worried about right now is Biology. I’m bombing in that class and really need to start working my ass off to pull my grade up. I’m doing okay in the lab portion, but the quizzes I’m just not doing well on. My highest grade is a seventy so far on a quiz. Ugh . . . And I have a Unit Test tomorrow in class. Then a map quiz in History.
I’ll study over the weekend and prep for Tuesday. Not only that, but I’ll do my math homework, write up the three page thing for Creative Non-fiction, and see if I can at least get a rough draft done for my Young Adult Lit paper.
An interesting situation cropped up when I was texting with Drew on Monday. I told him about how much my legs were hurting after going to the gym with Denny. The thing he focuses on? The fact that I was hanging out with another guy. He’s told me before that he doesn’t think a female in a relationship should have single, male friends. And I believe he feels the opposite is true as well. That a guy in a relationship shouldn’t have single female friends. Obviously, I think that’s ridiculous. I mean, some of my guy friends I’ve had since high school, like Denny or Ryan, and there is no way I would give them up just because they aren’t in a relationship with someone.
We went back and forth over texts, me saying it was no big deal, Denny was just a friend, and it’s Drew that I love, and Drew saying well, things happen when a girl hangs out with other guys and the people in a relationship aren’t able to see one another that often. I said not with me, and hadn’t he ever heard of "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? He said he doesn’t believe that saying, that instead hearts start to grow apart instead.
I tried to reassure him, but we also didn’t really talk too much in depth over texts. I liked that better, because I knew it was important to have this conversation in person. Today, we did. Or at least I tried to. We’d just had some fun 
, and I was lying on the bed with him sitting in front of me. I scratched his back and then was rubbing it and I asked him why he decided to trust me to touch his back. (After a back injury close to eight years ago where six discs got herniated, he didn’t want anyone touching his back. And he would tell me that at first, too. At the beginning, he didn’t want me even scratching his back. It was just ‘don’t touch it at all.’) Anyway, at first, he said he doesn’t let me touch his back except to scratch it. But I said yeah, he did. I not only scratched his back, but he let me massage it. So, then he says, "Because I trust you, I don’t know, don’t question things." (Lol. He’s not big on difficult conversation. Or reflective conversation. He usually tries to deflect with statements like that.)
(Continued on Feb 26th, 2011, from Feb 23rd, 2011.)
After he said that, I said that there was something I wanted to talk to him about. And I brought up the whole ‘girl in a relationship being friends with a guy’ thing. And I asked if it would make a difference if Denny was in a relationship. He didn’t say yes or no directly, but said that when a guy and girl are together, things can happen. (Which, in essence, basically tells me that no, it wouldn’t make a difference to him if Denny were in a relationship or not, he’d still be paranoid something would happen. Which, in an odd way, is reassuring to me. Because I thought he believed it would be fine if the guy was also in a relationship, which would indicate to me that he trusted a strange guy who has a relationship more than he trusted the one he’s together with.) I looked at him and said, "But didn’t you just say you trusted me?" To which he had no reply, so he probably realized I’d caught him.
His insecurities drive me nuts sometimes. Yet, I have insecurities about him, too. He’s switched back and forth between wanting to be together and get married to wanting to be alone that . . . It’s not that I’m insecure about ‘oh, no, when’s another thing like this gonna pop up?’ It’s more that . . . if he’s having feelings like this come to the surface so often, is it because of fear, or is it because he actually doesn’t want to be with me? That being in a relationship is dragging him down, and he doesn’t know how to properly tell me this to get out of it fully instead of having me talk to him and get drawn back in so that I’m not upset?
I mean, if he’s breaking up with me out of fear that things won’t last, and insecurity because of his past, then okay. We can deal with that. It’s a matter of talking and helping him feel more secure somehow. But if he feels like I’m dragging him down, like he’s only in this because he doesn’t want me to be upset . . . that’s no reason to continue a relationship. And a basis like that is only gonna kick us in the ass later, because that will bring pain and disappointment.
Part of what’s making me feel all weird about stuff like that is how much he’s saying right now that he wants to be left alone. Last Sunday, the 20th, an aunt and uncle came down to celebrate his mom’s birthday, and I guess they all went out to dinner. Monday was when the whole ‘hanging out with another guy’ text conversation happened. Tuesday, he had a doctor’s appointment and I texted him several times over the span of hours (11-ish to 4) before he finally answered me and said that he hadn’t replied because he just wanted to be left alone that day. I said okay, if that was what he needed, and ceased texting. Wednesday, I have four hours between my latter classes and texted him asking if I could come over there between them. He said okay and I went. At first he seemed grumpy, but we had some fun, then had the mini-conversation about his back and hanging out with other guys. Then, yesterday, he came over so I could finish up these pants I was making him for this Star Wars costume he has, and when he was leaving, I asked when I’d see him again and he said he has Monday off. So I said, "We’ll hang out then?" He said yes. So, we said we loved each other, kissed, and he left. Later on last night, I texted him and asked if he wanted to come with me to Red Lobster since I got this tenn dollar off coupon in the mail. He said no and when I asked why, said he hates Red Lobster, there’s nothing there he can eat. I texted back with "Oh. Oh, yeah, I forgot, you don’t really like seafood." Then I asked him about Friday’s, since I also have a coupon for them. He said, "No I think I want to be alone and I
am at work so please no more texting please"
That strikes me as odd in and of itself. We often text while he’s at work. He’s never had a problem with it before. Heck, one time a bit ago when he mentioned he couldn’t get phone calls at work, I flat-out asked him if I should stop texting him at work, and he said no, texting was different.
Monday was the last time he initiating texting between us, though. And before that, he would usually always text me with something. "So whatcha doing" or something like that.
Though maybe my paranoia is completely unfounded. I mean, we are getting to what would have been his dad’s 89th birthday as well as the one year anniversary of his death. So maybe this whole thing is Drew closing off because he wants to keep his emotions under wraps and this is the only way he knows how to do it. I wish I could get him to talk about it. Maybe I’ll try if I do see him on Monday. I somehow doubt I’ll have much success, though.
Well, on to Math and other school homework. On the upside, I’ll be graduating in Summer II this year! I’ll officially have an Associates in Creative Writing!