Where’s My Silver Lining?

GAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How could I forget what yesterday was????? It was Paul and Linda’s wedding anniversary. They would have been married thirty-five years, yesterday.

Okay, onto the other stuff. I’m annoyed at Jason right now. I wrote him a letter, over two weeks ago, at this point I think. It was when I was going through the whole depression-weird-blah thing about ten or so entries back. Well, I wanted feedback, I wrote entries in here about it, I talked to him on an IM about it, I talked to him in person about it, and . . . NOTHING!!

He doesn’t give me any feedback whatsoever, says that he’s forgotten about it when I ask him, then promises me that he’ll send an E-mail giving his opinion, but said E-mail never shows up!! I know that he has other things on his mind. Or at least, I assume he does. You never know, in that house. But my point is, he never gives me a reason why he doesn’t answer these things, he never answers them when I do see him in person, and frankly, I’m just really annoyed about it.

I mean, I feel like he’s reverting back to how he was. No, not how he was. This is something slightly different, though I can’t say how just yet. I don’t know. It almost feels like he . . . Like he’s trying a “method” on me. A method that basically has me just . . . knowing. Not second guessing myself, but just knowing that the things I speculate on are correct. I mean, yeah, 9 out of 10 things I’ve speculated on about him have been correct so far, but even so. I need confirmation! Not to mention that when I want an opinion from him about myself, I want him to actually give one! I mean, best friends are supposed to do that, aren’t they? Aside from laughing about all the silly stuff, and private jokes, and everything, aside from connections, aside from everything, best friends are supposed to be people you can go to for advice, for opinions, for reassurance, for whatever!

I don’t get that from Jason. I don’t get opinions from him. I get advice, in his own odd way, but . . .

I don’t know. I hope he reads this, because I almost don’t want to head up there on Wed. He leaves me no notes, he promises an entry, yet for the past four weeks, one has not appeared.

What am I worth in his eyes if he can so easily lose contact with me? Or maybe not lose, but . . . disengage?

I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to not know that I am losing him. I don’t even want to say ‘Hey, Jason, give me a reason to go up there.’ Because he probably will, and I’ll go, and things’ll be okay for a bit, and then they’ll get harder, and I don’t want another scene like last semester. We literally can’t do it, because he’s not in the dorm this time around. I won’t be able to drive up there, amidst tears and rain, to see him and straighten things out. I just . . .

For once in my life, I want to be secure about my best friend.