What More Do I Have To Do?

I don’t even know what I freakin’ want to say.  I hung out with Rob yesterday.  Dragged him rollerblading.  Lol.  He was better on them than ice skates, but . . . Yeah.  Let’s just say that while I do believe he used to be really good, you couldn’t see it to watch him skate now.  (I’m seeing more and more how I’m a real exception among people with stuff like that.  You take me away from skating for a good amount of years and then have me try and while I may suck at first, I’ll be back to where I was talent-wise within a few days.)  Not to mention that I think he’s bad luck on me when I have wheels beneath my feet.  I fell more times yesterday than I have probably in years while skating!  Lol.  And the first time was because I tripped over a rock!  One time I was skating backwards, (and still going faster than him, by the way,) when I hit a patch of grass growing through a crack in the parking lot, and of course, I fall backwards.

And that outdoor rink at Veteran’s was a lot more slippery than I remembered.  Or maybe it just because that way.  Cuz when it was first there, I could race from one end to the other, I didn’t have to worry about my feet slipping.  This time, though . . .

Oh, yeah.  I also arm wrestled Rob while we were there.  We tied righty and I mauled him lefty.  Lol.  No offense to him, but I haven’t won an arm wrestling match that easily since the last time I went up against Dolly.  (No offense, Dolly!)

(Added on the 30th.)

It’s odd, though.  While we were at Veteran’s, I started getting depressed.  Rob had told me the previous evening that he has a D.T.A. attitude about people.  You know, Don’t Trust Anyone?  And I was geting depressed because . . . just when I think that I’ve found someone I could fully trust, he tells me that.  And it’s like I just hit a brick wall, cuz what’s the point of even trying to fully trust someone when you know the same courtesy won’t be returned to you?

Yet, maybe a good part of me was hiding the fact that I felt that way, but even when I did drop hints that any other person would’ve picked up on, he didn’t.  Or perhaps he didn’t want to because he didn’t want to ask.  I don’t know.  It was just frustrating, because I wanted him to ask.  I wanted him to pick up on the fact that I was depressed and ask me what was wrong.  I don’t know, maybe I was trying to prove to myself that he cares.  Maybe it was a psychological manuever on my part, to prove to myself that I mattered.

In any case, we wound up back at his house and watched the rest of Majestic and then one of the episodes on that Drew Carey show DVD I picked up.  (This one was just a priceless episode!)  I had a pillow shoved to my face the entire time so I wouldn’t laugh out loud, cuz the rest of his family had gone to sleep.

We saw Family Guy after that and I was hoping that in the half hour between Family Guy and InuYasha, we could just talk.  I wanted to tell him why he reminded me so much of Jason.  The good and the bad.  Anyway, I didn’t just start talking, I asked if he wanted to know, and he said no.  There was a bit more to the conversation, but long story short, though I wanted to just start talking, I kept my mouth shut.

I think it was sometime during the commercial for FullMetal when I got my jacket and put it around my shoulders, quoting the Phantom’s best line: "So, it is to be war between us!  If these demands are not met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur!"  Rob heard me and asked what I was talking about and I went over to the CD player and played the end of Prima Donna for him, where the Phantom says that.  Then All I Ask Of You starts playing.  And that’s when the commercial for FullMetal comes in.  Cuz when the commercial came, I went back over to the CD player, turned on All I Ask Of You, and just leaned down with my head on my arms, listening to the song.

I left after FullMetal was over.  Rob helped me carry my stuff out, (I’d brought my CD booklet, those two DVD’s, and my CD player,) and we stood at my car for a few minutes.  I sighed and said something along the lines that I find it odd that the things Dolly said years ago were coming true now.  Then I mentioned her, (okay this one wasn’t years ago, but it was months ago,) saying that she envied my emotional strength, but that it must be really lonely.  I said that, yeah, she was right.  It was.  When I glanced at Rob, I let out sort of a sighing, tired-laugh and said, "Either {something or other that I don’t remember,} or a person needs to hit you over the head with a hint the size of a sledgehammer before you pick up on it."  He said it was the second.  And that he was cold.  I gave a grin that I’m sure didn’t reach my eyes and asked if he was still gonna come over on New Year’s, adding that it was okay if he didn’t want to.  He said he wasn’t sure when he worked and he’d let me know.  So I said okay, we gave one another a hug and I got in my car.

I just leaned on the steering wheel for a few seconds, shoving my tape into the player on the dashboard after tunring the car on.  The Wizard and I started playing and I tried to sing along.  But as soon as the line, "He’ll say to me I see who you truly are," came up, I was finished.  I started crying.

I just want . . . I just want ONE person who I don’t have to have the walls up with.  I just want ONE person I can meet who I don’t have to pretend with, who I can just be me around.  I don’t even now why I hope that that person could be Rob!  Heh.  Well, yes I do.  But regardless.

Yet, in a way, it’s stupid that I feel this way.  Because while yeah, he hides parts of himself and doesn’t want to trust someone fully, he’s told me that.  He’s been honest about it, which is more than I can say for a lot of other people.  I mean, I can’t even blame him for that mindset, because honestly if I grew up the way I speculate he has, I’d probably feel the same way.  Hell, I may not have a Don’t Trust Anyone attitude, but I do feel much the same way.  The main difference is that I’m looking for someone.  I doubt he is.

I don’t know.  I wanna talk to him about all this.  I wrote him an E-mail, but I’m actually banking on the fact that he doesn’t check his E-mail anywhere near as often as I do, and therefore probably won’t read it before the next time I see him.  If he hasn’t, I’m gonna have a print out of it and just read it to him next time I see him, as well as add what else I want to say.

Wish me luck . . .