We Laughed Until We Cried . . .

Same Old Auld Lang Syne

Met my old lover in the grocery store.
The snow was falling Christmas Eve.
I stole behind her in the frozen foods.
And I touched her on the sleeve.
She didn’t recognize the face at first.
But then her eyes flew open wide.
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse.
And we laughed until we cried.

We took her groceries to the checkout stand.
The food was totalled up and bagged.
We stood there lost in our embarrassment.
As the conversation dragged.
We went to have ourselves a drink or two.
But couldn’t find an open bar.
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store.
And we drank it in her car.

We drank a toast to innocence.
We drank a toast to now.
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness.
But neither one knew how.

She said she’d married her an architect.
Who kept her warm and safe and dry.
She would have liked to say she loved the man.
But she didn’t like to lie.
I said the years had been a friend to her.
And that her eyes were still as blue.
But in those eyes I wasn’t sure if I saw.
Doubt or gratitude.

She said she saw me in the record stores.
And that I must be doing well.
I said the audience was heavenly.
But the traveling was hell.

We drank a toast to innocence.
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness.
But neither one knew how.

We drank a toast to innocence.
We drank a toast to time.
Reliving in our eloquence
Another ‘auld lang syne’…

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired.
And running out of things to say.
She gave a kiss to me as I got out.
And I watched her drive away.
Just for a moment I was back at school.
And felt that old familiar pain.
And as I turned to make my way back home.
The snow turned into rain.

I give up.  I know now that I’ve never come first in anyone’s life, and that I never will.

Okay, I’m actually writing this a couple of days after it happened, but I’m still gonna write it as if it were this day.

So, anyway, today was semi-okay to start.  I woke up, and had some time before work at three, so I made pancakes, and I was feeling depressed because I haven’t even lost a full ten pounds yet, so I was hand-writing about that.  Denny called, and so did Mike Keller.  I left a note for Mike on his door to see after he got back from work, and I left.

During my break, I went to Game Fcatory where Mike Keller said he’d be, and found out Mike had never shown up.  So, I called the house, and turns out Mike never saw my note.  Argh.  So, I told him what was up, and he said he’d walk over there.

Anyway, when I got back from work, Mike and I were supposed to go to Barnes and Noble, but I wanted to check something online first.  Then, I started talking to people, then Andy came on, so yeah.  The plan for going anywhere was kind of screwed over.

So, I’m talking to different people including Dan, conspiring with him about Mike’s birthday gift, and he suddenly asks me if Mike’s there, and if he could get on.  I asked why, and he said he needed to tell him something and said it really wasn’t something he could pas through me when I suggested he do that.  I asked if it had something to do with their mom, and he said yeah.  And that was when Andy signed on. So, I wasn’t giving up my computer then.  I needed to talk to him, find out if he was okay and whatnot.  So, I asked Mike to go sign on upstairs on his computer.  He did, and later on, as I was talking to Andy, I was asking Mike what was up.  He tells me that his mom wants him to come up to his dad and grandma’s house, (where she’ll be staying,) for Christmas.

Well, a) just because it was in regards to her, the whole thing pissed me off, and b) Mike had already said that he didn’t want to go up there for Christmas, and that he’d just go up a few days after, and spend time with them to exchange gifts, talk, etc.  So, yeah, I wasn’t too fond of him asking me what I thought about him going up there for a few hours, and then coming back.  And he didn’t seem to understand why, for me, at least, him going up there and me knowing that he was seeing her, would more or less ruin my day, and that no, I wouldn’t be in a good mood when he got back.

He ended up coming downstairs trying to talk me into being olay with him going up there, saying that it “was only a few hours,” and “he’d be back by one or two.”  And basically kept giving me the line of “but it’s Christmas,” when I said why couldn’t he go up there on another day, when he could actually spend the entire day there?

It escalated into an argument where I finally got up, searched the house for my coat, and drove off, after telling Mike to get his hands off my door, otherwise I was gonna slam his fingers in it.  He did let go, and I drove off, intent on going to the Spy House.  I cried most of the way there, belting out Defying Gravity, practically spitting out the “I hope you’re happy now” lines, and thinking of Jason during the “Unlimited . . . Together we’re unlimited . . .” part.

I got to the Spy House, and walked around for a bit, ranting to myself about Mike’s mom, and the situation in general.  And I came to the conclusion of what that first line up there is.  “I’m never going to come first to anyone, so I might as well just give up.”  Fine.  They wanted him for Christmas?  He could spend the whole damned day up there.  I didn’t care anymore.  I was so tired of people saying that I’d come first for something, and then something they liked better came up, and I was left out in the cold.  Well, you know what?  He wanted to go up there?  He could go up there.  And only there.

So, I left the Spy House, and went back to mine, signed on, and told Mike as much.  And he kept insisting that he’d talked to his dad, and that he was now going to stay down here for Christmas.  I told him not to pity me.  To just stay up there, because that’s where he wanted to be.  We went back and forth with those things for awhile, him saying that when the chance came to have both, he wanted to take it if I was okay with it, and me saying that frankly, he was a fool if he thought that I’d be okay with it after he’d said he wasn’t going to go up there.

We finally did get the entire thing straightened out, but still.  I can’t help feeling pitied.  And I don’t like that feeling.