Unexpected, What You Did To My Heart . . .

Okay, so . . .  Where do I even begin?

August 5th was Melanie and Matt’s BBQ, which they call Matt-a-palooza.  I’ve only been able to go this year and last because of work conflicts.  Last year was pretty cool.  I remember last year, not too enthusiastic that Jacqui was gonna be there with Andrew, but they were supposed to be picking up Denny on their way over, so I was glad about that.  Denny’s someone I’ve always enjoyed talking to and hanging out with.  Well, it turned out Jacqui was taking about a million years to get ready, so eventually, I volunteered to go and get Denny.  We spent most of the time hanging out sitting next to one another and talking, and I drove him home later that night, too.

Well, this year, I didn’t know whether to expect to see him or not, because he’d said maybe he could come, it depended on work.  I was definitely going, though, and figured that I’d drink about as much as I did last year — ie, not that much.  Enough that I was finding everything funny, but not enough that I was impaired physically.  I did tell my mom, though, that I’d call if I thought I was too far gone to drive, but I didn’t expect to get to that point.  I’d never been drunk, in all my 29 years of life.

So I get there, and there are a few people there.  We’re talking, sharing some laughs, and after a buit, Melanie and Ruth brought out the jello shots that weren’t jello shots.  (The year before, no one could get them out of the cups, so they just made jello with booze in it and had them cut into little squares on trays.)  They.  Were.  Awesome.  Total, I probably had about thirty, and I was surprised that I liked the pineapple ones. 

So, about seven thiry, Melanie gets a text and says that Denny’s on his way, for which I was happy, because aside from Melanie, he was really the only one who would be there that I really knew at all well.  Or at least, more than just someone who’s an acquaintance.  So, he gets there, and Melanie, Ruth, and I all go to give him a hug, (Ruth practicaly fell on him because she was already plastered and feeling it,) and after he pretty much put her back on her feet, I gave him a hug.

Honestly, I don’t remember too much of that BBQ after that.  I know I had more jello shots, and that somehow, Denny and I wound up sitting next to one another right outside the back door on the covered porch.  At one point, I said I could feel myself slowly sliding off the chair, and Denny put his arm around my shoulders.  And he just kept it there the entire time we were sitting next to one another.  When I’d go to get up for something, he’d either help me balance part of the way (like when I was heading into the house to use the bathroom,) or he stayed behind me or beside me and let me hang onto him (like when we walked down to the yard to sit by the fire pit.)

Towards the end of the party, I was saying to Denny how I wanted to go to the Union Beach waterfront.  (I’d since called my parents and told them that yeah, I was too drunk to drive home, and I’d give them a call when I wanted to be picked up.  But then later, Denny, who had stopped drinking earlier on because he saw how bad I was getting, volunteered to drive me home.)  So, when we did leave, we got into Denny’s car and parked by the playground and went down the path, over the railing, and down the rocks to the spot that I like to go to.  And I seriously can’t remember if he actually said that he liked me or not, but despite the alcohol haze I was in, I was still cognitive enough to wonder about it again.

I say again because of two separate occasions back in high school.  My junior year was when I initially met Denny, and I can’t remember why, but sometuime just before the Homecoming Dance, I remember wondering if he liked me.  And I remember talking to Shannon about it, and her saying she’d IM him and if he did, she’d get him to admit it.  The night we went shopping for Homecoming outfits, she had a printout of their IM with her and tells me that while he didn’t adit anything, she bet he did like me, because it took him about five minutes to respond to anything she said.  I admit, I was flattered at the idea of a guy liking me, (Hell, it’d never happened before!) but I couldn’t see myself with Denny.  Plus I think I kinda figured it’d be way too arrogant of me to assume that he did like me when he denied it.  Add to that how strong my crush on Ryan still was at the time, and yeah.  Not good timing.

Senior year, when I knew Mike, I remember it came up again.  Not because of anything Denny did, but because Mike had told me over the summer that he was an eye reader.  We’d been talking about some point not too long before my Halloween party, and he might have been saying something about being able to tell that this one girl liked him because of the expression in her eyes.  It probably ewas something like that, and then the memory from junior year was stirred in my head.  Because I remember asking Mike if, should the chance present itself, he could read Denny’s eyes and see if there was anything to the idea that he liked me.

Well, my Halloween party definitely provided an opportunity!  Shaun was one of the people who came, and when we got into a Truth or Dare game, Shaun dared me to kiss Denny.  He did it because he didn’t think I’d go through with a dare to kiss another guy, considering all my fears and whatnot about kissing Ryan.  But, I did it.  And Mike told me later that the expression on Denny’s face before and after it happened were dead giveaways.  Yeah, everything that Mike saw practically screamed that yes, Denny liked me.

But there was never any confirmation of that, and overtime, I never truly forgot about it, but it settled into the back of my mind.  Denny and I were on the fringes of one another’s lives for a long time, and whn we did see one another, except for one week, it was always in a group setting, and it was always just comfortable hanging out with him as a friend.

That night at Unon Beach, I don’t remember if he said anything beforehand, but I said, "So, how long have you actually liked me?" or something like that.  And he didn’t deny liking me.

The next day, I wanted to hang out with someone, and talked about the previous night, so I texted Caitlin, Melanie, and Denny, all in basically a ‘what’s up?’ kinda way.  Caitlin couldn’t hang out, but she and I had made plans for the next day anyway, so no biggie.  It wasn’t till about 5:30 that Denny texted me back, and at that point, I was meandering at Union Beach cuz I was going stir crazy in the house.  I started to answer him over text and then he called me, and we made plans to hang out when he got off work at six.  I admit, I was kinda nervous about it, because what if it was awkward?  I mean, I’d been completely plastered the night before (Beatle title)!  I had no clue what to do.  I didn’t know if he’d regret admitting it to me, or if we’d be uncomfortable around each otheror what.  I was kinda spazzing out.  Then about ten minutes after I talked to Denny, Melanie called me and asked if I wanted to hang out.  I told her about the plans with Denny and that the previous night, he’d admitted to liking me.  She said good for us, and that she thought Denny’d be good for me.  Then she tells me that apparently, people at Matt-a-palooza were taking bets on when Denny and I would hook up.    She also said, though, that she and Ruth were gonna hang out, and if we wanted to join them and maybe go to Friendly’s or something, that’d be cool.  So I said I’d bring it up with him, and text her later.

When Denny did meet me at Union Beach, we gave one another a hug, and we kinda talked about the previous night.  I mentioned that really the only things I remembered about Matt-a-palooza were laughing, being happy, and being comfortable.  He asked what I remmebered from after the BBQ, and I kinda glanced at him and said, "That you finally admitted you liked me."

Some of you may be wondering where Drew is in all this.  Well, since the start of July, we’d been seeing one another once a week, usually on Saturday.  Well, I mentioned to him being busy on Saturday, and could we hang out Sunday?  (In other words, the day after Matt-a-palooza.)  He said he didn’t know, he’d have to get back to me.  Okay, whatever.

Well, Drew texts me on Sunday, saying that his phone is no longer able to charge (gee, you think throwing it as far as you can across a parking lot, and then kicking it might have something to do with that?) and that he knows I wanted to hang out that day, but he doesn’t want to hang out with anyone right now, he just wants to be left alone.  So I texted back with ‘All right.  If that’s what you want and/or need.’  And he answered with that it is what he wants and needs.

Though we’ve had some text conversation and I saw him on the 17th, his birthday, and then a couple days later, it’s just . . .  It’s almost been like why am I bothering?

I admit, I’m not completely over Drew, but yeah . . . I’m living my life now.  If he doesn’t wanna be a part of that, well, there’s a guy who is willing, and who’s pretty amazing in his own right.