To: Swimming In Circles

I just surfed in, and I don’t know much about the situation, but I’ve been reading over your diary some (and some of the people who’ve left notes) and I can offer something. People have to make their own decisions. For whatever reason, he chose to head back. What you need to do is trust him. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders, and it seems like he’s had enough of being mistreated. Not enough letters… anyway, you need to trust him. Your insecurities look a lot like you’re having trouble trusting. From what I can read, there’ve been reasons why, but that doesn’t mean you don’t give trust. So try to trust him and have faith that he’s trying to make the right choices. Maybe that’ll help you, too.

Yeah. Wow there’s a lot to respond to, so I’m just gonna respond within your notes. I honestly do thank you for your words on this. I do trust Jason, more than anyone else, as a mater of fact. It’s more a matter of . . . feeling helpless, I guess. I can’t do anything for him while he’s in that house, and I hate thinking that something is happening to him that I won’t know about until afterwards. There’s a heck of a lot more I could put here, but I don’t know where to start, and I don;t want to start rambling, so I’ll just end off for now.

Hm… An odd question, and not for the survey. I read your… um… shall we say spirited message to this Eric person, and you say he’s abusive. But here you say you were abusing this Mike. And it sounds pretty verbal and emotional, as well as physical. How do you justify that? Have you been trying to make it up to him or something? This is if he even still talks to you after all this, I know, but assuming he does, are you treating him better?

I justify it . . . because I’ve always hated abuse. As I said in the answer to that question, I was horrified at myself that I’d sunk to that level. I couldn’t believe that I had at least in part, started to become one of the things I hate most in this world. Yes, Mike still talks to me. He’s forgiven me for what I’ve done, and I know that, after such a short amount of time, is probably nothing short of a miracle. But also, until he made me aware of it, I wasn’t aware that I was doing it. After I was made known of my actions, yes, I immediately did make an effort on improving. Yes, I had setbacks, but I don’t do that to him anymore, and haven’t for awhile. I guess in many ways, I don’t justify my actions towards him. I’m not going to make excuses. I was abusive towards him, and a part of me hates myself for it, and will always remember that, and be afraid that it may leak into other relationships I have. But now that I’m aware of it, I will do my best not to let it leak in. But just because I did this to someone else does not mean I’m going to sit back and watch it happen to another person because “I have no right to judge since I did it myself.” No. In a way, because I did it myself, I have a greater right to judge. Or at least make known that yes, this is what is happening, and just like with me, the person has to become aware of it and stop doing it.

You have… a giant smiley on your car… Okay, you’re name makes sense now! Yeah, I wrote the poem myself. It took me a couple minutes. I usually write longer ones, but it was kind of late. 😛 Yay for my first note on my FOD! And my second and third, I guess, but still, Yay!

Yep, I have a giant smiley on the hood of my car. The rest of the car is blue. I really liked that poem. I can’t wait to read more of yours.

Oooo… I’d just left a note on the most rescent one to respond. I hadn’t read it thoroughly enough. I’m so sorry about your friend. I’m hoping you’re okay through this. I left a note on hers as well. I don’t know how close together you live, but maybe you should try hanging out. You lost a friend, too, so maybe you can share sort of a like mind on this, you know?

We live fairly close together, though our schedules conflict so we don’t see one another that much. These diaries are our main sources of communication. We had had plans to se one another on Thursday, but needless to say, that was cancelled because that’s when the funeral mass is taking place. I’m okay through things with Phil, it was just a shock to hear that someone I knew was killed. He and I weren’t close, but I did know him. Right now, I’m more worried about the people left behind than I am about myself. Sort of the same with Melanie. I know she’s grieving a lot more about her friend’s dad than I am about Phil, because she simply knew him better. I’m concerned about her well-being in this, but even more, my heart goes out to her friend, because she lost her dad.

So Mike really helped you then. What’s his story? He sounds like a really nice guy, the way you talk about him sometimes. Didn’t he care that you were hurting through that time, or was it just that he couldn’t bring himself to choose between girlfriend and family? I know I’d have trouble making a choice like that… Wow… Anywho, what kind of guy is he? Did he really just drop you like that?–because it sounds like he basically just walked out on you or something. Or is that related to the whole thing in your later entry on why you broke up? Did he walk out on you because of the abusings and left you to deal with the stuff on his own? Wow… Can you write me on this? I honestly wanna know now. My significant other left me a while ago, too, so maybe I can offer a fresh perspective.

Yeah, Mike really has helped me in the past. He is a nice guy, but he’s changed since I really got to know him five years ago this summer. He did care that I was hurting, but no, he couldn’t truly pick between his family and his girlfriend. He’d already had his mom walk out on him, his dad, and his brother, and though I truly can’t understand it because of my feelings towards Dan, he didn’t want to chance losing his brother, as well. Everything with Dan is a big portion of why we broke up. He wouldn’t, or couldn’t, keep his promises to ‘make Dan pay,’ or to make him realize what he was doing to me was wrong, or anything. He’s claimed to me that during all that, Dan did lose his trust, but he never acted like it. Mike moved in with my family after his dad and he could no longer afford the rent for their apartment. (Dan had been out of the apartment for awhile, living with another family who employed him, and their mom had already left at least a year before.) Dan would randomly show up at my house, and regardless of whether Mike and had plans, Dan would say come on, and Mike would follow. When I finally said one day to Mike that you know, it’s just plain rude that Dan does this, and doesn’t even ask if we had any plans, Mike did agree with me, but didn’t say with any dominance, “No, sorry, Dan, you should have called first.” Instead, it was, “Well, I really can’t today, Dan, cuz Kate and I did sort of have plans . . .” And for about fifteen minutes, Dan was whining like a two year old, saying, “Come on!! You can replan whatever it was. We never get to hang out, and I’ve got free time today.” Things like that. Frankly, I say that if he had free time, he should have picked up the damn phone and called Mike, instead of automatically assuming Mike had nothing better to do. But, no.

Mike didn’t leave me. He didn’t even honestly want to break up, though he finally realized, though I know not to what extent, that being together with him was hurting me more than helping. I thank you for the offer on a fresh perspective, but honestly, the abuse, things with Mike, things with Dan, that stuff has been over with for anywhere from a year, to almost a year, to over a year at this point. I wouldn’t mind a fresh perspective on the current situation with Jason, however. If you have any thoughts, anything, please feel free to note me.

–Notes–

Well, I don’t think I can add anything more to the thing with Jason except that he needs a friend right now, and you should probably try to keep on as a friend. I read that he has a person he’s interested in? I don’t know how you feel about him, but he probably doesn’t need that to complicate things. On Mike, so he’s still there, forgave you for beating him, helped you with trust issues, wasn’t [Swimming In Circles]
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able to choose between you and his brother, had his mom walk out on him, and you break up with him? Wow… poor guy… He must really be messed up by now. I mean, he must really have cared about you if he couldn’t pick between you and his own brother. Wow. Does he have a diary too? I’d love to hear his side of this whole thing. [Swimming In Circles]