To: Phantom Of My Diary

Well, this may come as kind of a surprise . . .
Chorus: Surprise!
Surprise . . .
Chorus: Surprise!

But I don’t like you
and I don’t care what you think
about what I do,
and most of all,
I don’t need your opinion.

I love finding song lyrics that reflect my mood or thoughts.  I have no idea who the artist for this one is, or what the name is, but it’s on a tape someone made for me my junior year, and I listen to it in my car.  I heard this one today, and couldn’t help laughing at those lyrics above, just cuz they related to this.

*~*~*~*~*

The rest of my life.

In other news, I realized last night why I was semi-dwelling on the thing with Melanie.  She IMed me right after reading that entry where I mention her boyfriend, and I remember, one of the first things she said was something like, "We’re not close . . . it’s none of your business."

That line is why I was still thinking about it last night, why I thought about it today, and why I’m writing about it in here now.  "We’re not close."  Why make a point of stating that?  I know we aren’t.  We have a huge gaping chasm between us that got a bit larger when she read what I wrote there.  And probably a bit bigger if she read last night’s entry, and will probably continue to grow if she reads this one.  Anyway, to get back to the main point, "We’re not close."  Why feel the need to state that?  Is the fact that we aren’t close so major an issue?  Would someone close to her be able to say the things that I did, and not have her get angry?

I admit, that’s something else that I don’t like.  This is the second or third time that we’ve had a mini-argument, and I’ve been the one on the defensive, trying not to let things get horribly blown up, all because she doesn’t like something that I said, or implied, or whatever.  Okay, no.  That’s wrong.  While I feel that I’m always on the defensive, she does try, and manages, to keep her cool while still getting across that she’s angry.  I don’t think she wants another blowout, either.  So, no, it’s not just me working towards not having that.

But here’s an example.  I know that Dan read an E-mail that I meant for only other people’s eyes.  Melanie was the only one with the decency to respoind to said E-mail, however.  But that doesn’t matter.  Anyway, I found out much later after sending it that Dan had read it.  I was very insulted, frankly.  True, he should know everything that was in that letter.  I’m not saying that I didn’t want him to see it, but I didn’t want him to see it in that form.  Whoever showed it to him had absolutely no right to take that decision into their own hands.  Anyway, Dan had also said that he hadn’t seen two out of the three people I sent it to in awhile.  So, I figured, ‘okay, him and Melanie are really tight.  Maybe she told him about it.’  And I asked her one day, the next time I was online.  Well, when I told her my reasoning for asking her, she got mad at me, saying that I should know she wouldn’t do something like that, she doesn’t get into other people’s business and blah, blah, blah.

Well, I, (stupidly, I feel,) went on the defensive and apologetic.  I shouldn’t have.  I mean, "I should have known" she wouldn’t?  How the Hell should I have known?  "We’re not close."

And so we’ve come full circle.

I’ll tell the absolute truth as I see it.  As far as Kenny goes, no, I don’t like what I’ve heard/read about him.  It worries me.  But, if worry for someone who at least used to be a pretty good friend is wrong, then fine.  I’m wrong.  As far as Melanie goes, I have no idea.  I think we could be close.  I think we could be very good friends, even if most of the talking we did was online, by notes in here, or by E-mail.  She is an openly blunt, and very honest person while still being incredibly passionate about the things she cares about.  But if she doesn’t have the strength, the caring, or the courage to even try to be friends with me to any extent, then I wish that something would be said.  She told me to be honest in these entries, to not worry about who was seeing them, or who would comment.  I decided she was right, and that I would write like I always did.  And she tells me it’s none of my business,a nd I had no right to say the things I did.

Well, sorry, but I find that hypocritical.  You can’t have it both ways.  You can’t tell a person to not care who’s reading this, and that they should write whatever they want, and then decide that no, you don’t like an entry that has to do with you and someone you know, and tell them they were wrong to write it.  It doesn’t work.

Okay, I think I have all this out of my system.  I will say, Melanie is a very helpful and caring person.  But I’m sick of double messages from everyone.  She hasn’t been feeding them to me for years on end, but just like her reaching the end of her rope about people saying things about Kenny without meeting him, I’ve reached the end of my rope on double messages.

Bye. :/ :/ :/

–Notes–

its called ‘you don’t know’ by reel big fish. ok, now im goin to read the rest of your entry…
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hey! what happened to the note where i responded to the phantom?
–lisa