To Heck With The Christmas Songs

Yeah, to heck with the Christmas songs.  Okay.  "Lemme explain."  ::Shakes head::  "No, there is too much.  Lemme summarize.  Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour . . ."

Wait a minute . . .  ::Thinks::  That’s not me!!!

Lol.  Okay, seriously, though.  Like I said, Rob told me Thursday night that he would call me that next day.  I’d told him I wanted to meet up and talk in person, but ended up telling him what things basically were over the phone.  I told him how Mike said that he wouldn;t standin our way if we honestly did want to get together but that Mike wouldn’t lie — it would change their friendship.  And that Rob had the choice of an only semi-changed friendship with Mike, or an on-hold friendship with Mike and a relationship with a girl he barely knows.  Namely me.

That’s when he said that he’d give me a callthe next day.  We got off the phone and I went andsat down by the old sewer that me, James, Tommy, and Corey always said was home plate back when we were kids.  Then I laid back with my arms out, just thinking for a bit, and wondering why Rob was still insinuating that I wouldneed Mike’s permission to even hang out with him.

Well, I finally got to sleep that night, and actually woke up at quarter to eleven the following day.  Friday, in other words.  Dad was in his studio, Mom was at work, Mike was at work.  So I was alone in the main porton of the house, for which I was very grateful.  I put my CD player on the dining room tableand proceeded to belt out songs from Wicked, the Secret Garden, and Les Mis.  Listening to Just for this Moment especially killed me.  Heh.  In the aftermath of all this, I can’t help thinking that Fiyero’s first line, "Maybe I’m brainless . . ." relates to me especially well.

I was going absolutely crazy by the time noon rolled around, so I made a decision at about twelve-fifteen/twenty.  I’d wait until quarter after one and then I would call him.  Well, twelve-thirty came, twelve-forty five came, one came, one-fifteen came, and nothing.  And I was still belting out song after song, trying to keep my mind off the time, trying to not lose my mind wondering why I wasn’t hearing from him.  Not to mention realizing that with every single guy I’ve ever known who really meant something to me, this is what I always did.  I ALWAYS called them, I always went to them, I was always the one engaging contact because I didn’t want to lose whoever he was.  James, Jason, Nick, Danny Hagman, Danny Stokes, Mike, (though he’s been the only one who didn’t seem to mind,) and now Rob.

After I called and got his voicemail, I actually drove over to his house.  I was hoping that he would be the only one home, like that his parents were at work.  But no, his dad’s the one who answers the door and says that Rob’s out, picking up videos with his mom.  I asked if he would let Rob know I’d come by and walked back to my car, mentally berating myself for being such an impatient idiot.

I wanted to stop at FunTime and kill my legs on DDR, but I didn’t.  I just drove straight home.  I went back to belting out songs and at about quarter to two, Mike called, saying he got off at two and would I just leave at two to pick him up.  I said I would and just when I was looking for my cell charger to plug it in, guess who calls it?  Rob!  I don’t remember the entire conversation, but the first thing he said is that he thought about things and he didn’t want to hurt Mike, so it was better if we just stayed friends.  No surprise.  I knew that was coming.  Waht I didn’t know was coming was this:  He said he didn’t feel comfortable hanging out with me alone.  As in, without Mike.  Cuz how did he know that Mike was okay with that?  Like I said, I don’t remember his exact wording, but it basically became all the more clear to me that he believes I need Mike’s permission to be friends with him!

Long story short, I was on the phone with Rob, trying in vain to get him to understand that no, I didn’t need Mike’s permission, us being friends didn’t hurt him, that I had plenty of other guy friends and Mike didn’t resist my friendship with any of them.  Mike actually ended up walking back from Staples, as I found out when I called him after Rob said he’d call me back after seeing if he and I could hang out at his house "for a bit, he guessed."

Now that I think about it and even then, though I don’t think I wanted to face it then, I could tell.that he was trying to find a way where I would just say ‘okay, never mind, forget it.’  Cuz he was saying that his dad didn’t want us up in his room alone, (and he made a point of saying that the saem restriction is on his sister when she has her boyfriend over.)  ::I see.  So I get all the restrictions of a girlfriend of his, but none of the benefits, considering he said he didn’t WANT to get together?::  Then he said we could hang out downstairs in the living room, but other members of his family would probably be watching movies there.

I honestly didn’t know what to say to him, cuz I quoted one thing that Mike had said to me.  If Mike didn’t have a problem with me and Rob hanging out as friends before I told Rob I liked him, why would he have a problem after?  All Rob could say was that he didn’t know, it just didn’t feel right.  But he couldn’t answer why not.  I didn;t know what to say because honestly, it felt like even though he claimed to not want to lose me as a friend, like he was more than happy to let me slip by if it meant I would leave him alone.

Anyway, I saw Mike very soon after and when he stepped in, I said, "Hold on," to Rob, put the phone to Mike’s ear and said, "It’s Rob.  See if you can get anywhere with him, cuz I can’t."

Mike talked to him, but both of us agreed that it was basically as if Mike talked Rob into hanging out with me.  To Mike’s credit, though, he told Rob flat out that I didn’t need his permission to hang out with anyone.

Rob and I did meet at FunTime, though.  We hung out there for a bit, then I brought him to the bowling alley near my house cuz I’d’ve sworn they had a pinball machine.  We walked around for a bit, then went back to my house where I picked Mike up.  We dropped Rob off at his house and went up to Mike’s dad and grandma’s, me coming to the realization that basically, Rob completely treated me as if I were a possession.  Something of Mike’s that Mike let out to play once in awhile.

And honestly, the more I think about it, the angrier I get.  I’ve been depressed, hurt, angry, and baffled before, but never in this way.  Not to mention that of all the insults I’ve ever received in my lifetime, I think someone giving reference to me as a possession is the absolute worst.

I swear, this entire situation with Rob has brought me closer than ever to just wanting to get drunk and forget about my problems.  But I know how my mind works.  And even if I did forget once, I wouldn’t be able to do it again, unless I wanted to get drunk again.  Hence how the alcoholism would begin.&nb

sp; And that’s not a situation I’m willing to put myself in.

Long story short, I’m definitely going o have words with Rob over this whole thing and I swear to God, he’d better give me straight, HONEST answers.  I’m not accepting his "I don’t know’s" anymore.  He’d BETTER know why he would refer to me that way!!!

Honestly, I could deal with this situation a helluva lot better if not for that.  I mean, he didn’t even reject me on basis of no interest on his part.  I have NO IDEA how he feels about me, friendship, romantic, or otherwise!  For all I know, he could be interested in me.  That’s just it.  I have NO CLUE!  Because he didn’t reject me based on lack of interest.  He rejected me because he didn’t want to possibly hurt someone else!  Noble?  Yes.  Very.  Yet at the same time, so very stupid, because he didn’t even listen to his own heart.

Not to mention I find one thing kind of odd.  Tonight, Denny, Mike and I were sitting down to play a second game of Magic when Mike’s phone rings.  Somehow, my mind immediately jumped to, "Rob!"  Don’t you know, I was right?  Anyway, apparently he called Mike just to talk.  I find this odd for a couple of reasons.

One, Mike said that he just needed some time to let the entire thing blow over in his mind. 

Two, Rob was making it clear enough to me that he wanted some space.  Why just space from me?  Especially when he’d said before he would steer clear of me AND Mike to give us both space he thought we needed.

I don’t know.  I know what I want to do.  What I have to do, rather.  But the entire thing just pisses me off.

::Sighs::  Oh, well.  I’ll write more later.  Cuz this ain’t over yet.

On the upside, even thoughts of Rob and this whole "possession" thing that seriously does NOT sit well at all with me, couldn’t spoil today.  Cuz today I went up and was able to see Joey for several hours.  Lol.  He has facial fungus!  Last time I saw him, his hair was a bit longer and he had no facial fungus.  Honestly, I barely recognized him!  But we saw one another and I actually said I barely recognized him, and Joey said something like,"Yeah, me too.  You look hot!  Like, seriously, you look really hot!"

::Smiles::    Talk about an ego booster!

I’ll write about today tomorrow, though.

Bye.   <– Yeah, and Rob was afraid of Mike kicking his ass?  Heh.  Rob may be stronger than me, but frankly, he should be more afraid of me right now . . .