“Then We Are At An Impasse.”

All I Want For
Christmas
Is You

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about presents
underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I won’t even wish for snow
I’m just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won’t make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won’t even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
‘Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me

Oh, I don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You

All I want for Christmas is you baby
All I want for Christmas is you baby.

 

Yep.  That’s where I stand right now.  I didn’t expect yesterday to become what it did.

Okay, first things first.  Yesterday, I woke up around ten-thirty because of a phone call and just decided to stay awake.  Then, around eleven, the phone rang again and it was Dolly.  So she and I got to talk for about an hour, about things with Grace and Eric, (which just plain blows my mind!!!) and things with Mike and his family, and things with Rob.  Lol, Dolly has already deemed him "sweet" and says that she likes him already.  And she, too, was saying "Aww!  Poor guy . . ." to one thing I told her, which was pretty much my mental reaction.

Oh, and we deemed Shaun a cyborg.  Yeah, Rob and Shaun have one thing in common — they’re both epileptic.  But Shaun went through the whole brain surgery bit and the psychosumatic (sp?) seizures and whatnot, Rob’s are generally controlled by medication.  But a few years ago, Shaun got this like, metal plate thing put into his shoulder.  I have no idea what the basis is, I don’t know if it’s helping hi or what, but Dolly and I have decided that that metal plate makes him a cyborg.  Lol.

Anyway, we got off around noon and I was keeping myself busy by listening to Phantom and washing dishes, when, I’m not sure what time, but the phone rang again.  Somehow, I knew it’d be for me and of course, it was.  It was Rob.  Lol, he’s so cute and formal when asking to speak to someone!  Anyway!!  So first thing he says is he talked to his dad about the letter I’d given him — this is where I inwardly groan because I know what’s coming — and he thinks that for now, we should just remain friends.  I said okay, and I think I said I’d expected it.  Then he reitereated that he didn;t want to hurt Mike.  Or be hurt by Mike.  I said Mike wouldn’t hurt him, but he’s a paranoid sort, so I don’t tink he entirely believed me.

Anyway, we talked about random things for a bit, then he said he had to get ready to go to work.  (That’s when he called.  It must have been around one-thirty!)  I went back to listening to Phantom and did a few more dishes, basically just letting my thoughts wander and thinking to myself that oddly enough, I was glad he’d done that.  Because that was the reaction I expected when he initially read the letter.  And in reference to the entry title of the one before this, his most endearing quality is the most damning to me.  His loyalty to those he cares about.

I had made a decision, as well.  I figured, "You know what?  He said what I expected and we’re just going to stay friends right now.  Unless something changes, or Mike brings it up himself, I’m not gonna mention anything to him."  Cuz seriously, thre was no need to make him spazz about something that didn’t become anything.

So when I picked up Mike at three, I asked if he wanted to go and get food somewhere and we went out for Chinese.  On the way there, he asked if it was Rob I had a crush on.  My first thought was just a drawn out ‘Damnit . . .’ and I said I pleaded the fifth.

Then, honestly, we were having a good laugh about the entire thing, cuz Mike said that at one point when he’d come up behind Rob, Rob had jumped like, three feet in the air.

So we came back, we were eating and whatnot and when I was done I said I was gonna go to Staples and tell Rob that Mike wasn’t gonna kill him.  I drove there and we talked for a minute before some more customers came up and went and took a look around at the pens and drawing supplies.  When I came back up to his register, he was asking about taking his break and when I asked if hwe wanted me to stick around and hang out during it, he said that’s why he’d asked for his break then.  Since I was there.  ::Sighs:: 

Anyway, we went over to McDonald’s across the parking lot and split a chicken nugget meal.  Or at least the chicken nuggets in the meal.  I don’t remember a lot of what was said, but he was still worried Mike was gonn

a spazz on him.  I do remember, though, saying, "Yeah, well, it sucks for me.  One of your most endearing qualities is the most damning to me."  He’d been staring out the window while I said it, but as I finished, he looked at me with a sort of ‘Huh?  What do you mean?’ expression, and I said simply, "Your loyalty to the people you care about."

Then we were randomly talking about Encore and he’d say about a song on the radio, "Okay, how many words have gone by in this song?"  And surprise of surprises, they played ‘Please, Please Me!’  I haven’t heard that song in a long time, I missed it.

Oh, one thing I mentioned was that I wanted to have a New Year’s sleepover party and asked if he wanted to come.  I’m gonna invite one or two other people over on Decmeber 31st to sleep over and we can all celebrate New Year’s together.  He seemed semi-agreeable, which makes the Hedgehog very happy. 

Anyway, I walked him back to Staples when his time was up and asked him if he would be able to come to the house for an hour or so, if for no other reason than to talk to Mike and know that Mike wasn’t gonna do anything to him.  Cuz I mentioned Mike telling me that Rob jumped.  He didn’t remember that, but he saw a mutilated box in the back, and he was like, "Uh-oh.  It’s a sign.  Mike’s coming for me . . "

When I came back home, Mike and I pretty much immediately went back out so we could talk without my parents overhearing.  We hashed everything out that we were thinking, things were done on my part that shouldn’t have been recently, and it turns out Mike got a very wrong idea and it was entirely my fault.  A lot of the conversation also had one big communication barrier.  He thought that I was still going to pursue Rob, despite what he’d told me on the phone.  Once Mike told me he thought that, I said no, the ball was in Rob’s court now.  I’m not gonna risk a friendship with him because I like him as more than that.

When we got back to my house, we talked outside some more, we talked upstairs some more, and we pretty much reached what our impasse is: He’s nowhere near over me and doesn’t want to see me with anyone except him and doesn’t feel he was given an adequate chance.  (Because recently, we’ve gone on, like, a date and a half.  Maybe I felt something when I agreed to it, but it basically became for me, a way to let Mike try to win me over himself, without any interference from someone else.  Because when we broke up the first time, we definitely had outside interference.  ::coughDANcough::)  I feel just plain trapped and like I’m not allowed to like someone else because of how Mike will react to it.  And neither of us knew what Rob’s thoughts were, though the common consensus was that even if he saw me as more, he wouldn’t pursue it out of friendship to Mike.

Mike went downstairs and I came a few minutes later, saying, "I’m driving over to Staples.  I want this thing finished tonight."  I went there and stood outside my car, shivering within about fifteen seconds.  Two people were gathering carts.  I recognized one of them as a manager that Mike talks about.  The guy’s pretty cool.  Then I saw the jacket of the other and smiled.  It was Rob.  I asked if he was gonna be able to come over for a bit and he said no, that his ride was already there, and gestured to the only other car in the parking lot.  When they’d gone back in, I went over to the other car and talked to his mom and said I’d hoped to talk to Rob tonight, was it okay if he came back to y house for about an hour and I’d drive him home.  She said okay and I thanked her several times.  (His mom’s really pretty, too.)  Then I turn around and Rob’s walking out of Staples.  He went over to the car, then looked at me and started walking over.  I said I was sorry I went over his head, but I wanted this thing hashed out tonight.  I just wanted it to be done with.  As he got in the car, he was once again saying how, "yeah, but Mike’s gonna hurt me."

I told him no, he wouldn’t.  As I started driving, everything that I was feeling, depression, resentment, all that, was coming to the forefront.  I was more talking to yself, but I was saying aloud how I almost regretted ever showing him that note.  That if I’d known it would cause all of tis, I’d’ve just said nothing.  Been like how I was in middle and grade school and just kept my mouth shut.  Then for some reason, I went on to say how did he know that all I’d ever wanted in middle and grade school was to be popular?  Pretty, thin, and popular, those were my three wishes.  And "if only I’d known that not being popular would cost me this."  I wet on to say I didn’t expect him to know what all "this" entailed.  That I didn’t think anyone except me truly knew what all it encompassed.  And at some point throughout the car ride, I apologized again for going over his head so he could come to the house.

One thing was nice.  It made me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy and stuff.  As we were turning onto West Jack, he said again how Mike was gonna hurt him and I said, in this low voice, "No, he won’t.  If for no other reason than I’ll stand between you and Mike won’t hurt me."  Then Rob says, "If he did hurt you, then I’d have to hurt him.  Or at least try to, anyway." 

Also while we were on my street, I asked him to answer something honestly for me.  Then I asked how he did feel towards me.  He said he didn’t know, because no one’s ever said that they liked him before, so he really wasn’t sure how to react.  And that that was his honest answer.

We got to the house and just sat in the car for a few minutes, me assuring him again, no, Mike wasn’t gonna hurt him.  Then Mike tapped on the window.  Turned out he was down by Sycamore and we’d passed him.  I got out and turned around and said in a pathetic attempt at sounding joking, "You can’t lock yourself in.  I’ve got the keys."

We went up to my room and talked for awhile.  Mike assured Rob he wasn’t gonna kill him, maim him, or otherwise do bodily harm.  But that’s about the only thing that was settled.  We talked about the different collections of things in my room, including the LOTR stuff, my Beatle books, my manga collection, and some of my DVD’s.  I even showed him that Silly Love Songs scene in Give My Regards To Broad Street.  To show him how I’d painted myself white that one day junior year.

Not too long after, I drove him home, and when we first set out, I asked him if he regretted me showing him that letter.  I believe he said in a way, because he knew it was hurtng Mike.  But, in another way, it was like I’d given him something he’d always wanted.  Then he gave an analogy of like having a really expensive Christmas present on your list and getting that Christmas Day.  I said wryly, "Oh, great, I’m a possession," or s

omething similar.  He said no, and did I know what he meant?  I said yeah, I understood, but I don’t think I truly did until today.  Even if something can’t be done about it presently, I do understand how marvelous and terrific and all a feeling it is to know that finally, instead of you always liking someone else, that someone else likes you.

When we were getting closer to his house, I mentioned how one of the things I’d said to Mike, that was completely unrelated to the mess at hand, was that I was upset because no matter what happened between me and Rob, Nana would never get to meet him.  And I was saying how much I still missed her and how it just hits me still, that she’s gone.

Lol, he said he didn;t mean to be a jerk, but if I started crying, would it affect my driving?  I smiled and said no, besides, I’d driven through rain and tears on another occasion.  Then I said, "Yeah, another Jason story."  He told me I didn’t have to talk about Jason to him if I didn’t want to.  (Which indicates to me that he could be sick of hearing stories about Jason.  I wouldn’t balem him for being sick of hearing about stuff concerning Jason.  Must ask him about that.)  But what I said then was that it was okay.  It didn’t hurt to talk about Jason like it used to.  Then I paused and said, "You know, I’m glad I got a crush on you."  He asked why and I said, "Because it’s helping me get over Jason."

When he’d called earlier in the day, we’d made plans to hang out on Wednesday of this coming week.  When we got to his house, I held my arm out and said, "Hug?"  We hugged and I said, "Don’t worry, I do hug all my friends."  As he was getting out, I asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he said yeah and asked what we’d do.  Or maybe where we’d be — like at Game Factory, or my house, or whatever.  I shrugged and said something like, "Probably my house, but we’ll probably meander around places, too."  He said okay and one of us said we’d call the other, I don’t remember which.

I drove home and actually started crying on the way.  I think just the emotions of the day were getting to me.  But I came home and brought the painting of Nana I did into the dining room.  I wanted to pull out the Christmas party tape and watch it, but it’s at Mary’s.  So I pulled out the tape of the memorial service and watched it, through tears of course.  Then I watched Singin’ in the Rain and finally went to sleep.

So yeah, that’s the entire story.  So far, anyway.

::Sighs::