The Strawberry Festival

     I almost wish that Mike Keller had been able to come.  Bleh.  I went to his house on Friday to ask him, but he said it was, and I quote, “highly unlikely” that he’d make it.

     Anyway, though.  So, Joey comes down, we practiced Bring Me To Life, we practiced that Merry and Pippin song from Return o the King, we broke one of the mugs we were gonna use for it…  Lol.
     I drove Mike, myself, and Joey to the Strawbery Festival, and we got there a bit before five.  I went inside the church to plug in my CD player and practice one last time for mine, (cuz literally, I worked out the timing on Goodbye to You by accident, and am still not sure of how to do it exactly.  It was pure luck that I got it mostly right up there on the ‘stage.’)  So, then, I hear someone singing outside, and I recognized Mr. Croft.  So, I went out, and sure enough, he was up there, going over a song.  And my eyes scanned the other … three or so people up there…..

…and one of them was Jason.

     Well, I ignored him, and asked what Mr. Croft was doing, and he told me a sound check.  I thought that was a good thing, because my one CD had skipped a couple of times, so I asked if I could check to make sure it wouldn’t do that, and he said sure, to bring it on out.  I did, and as I was practicing, oh, gee, big surprise, Jason disappears.  That basically didn’t matter, though.  I practiced, they made sure the sound was okay, and just when it definitely was for me, I could hear the music, and myself, THEY WOULD CHANGE IT!!!  Oh, well.  I went through the practice, then we got up there for real, I went through my songs, Mike did his in tribute to Phil.  He’s the one I wrote about earlier, who died on April 8th in Iraq.)  And he broke down at the end, so Joey and I went up there, gave him hugs, then each wrapped one of his arms around our shoulders, and walked off the stage with him.
     Rev K said that he’d get us our free desserts, so we walked inside the main building, and were sitting in the nursery.  Well, except for Shannon, who was outside talking to Jason.  Joey, Mike, and I were sitting in the nursery at one of the tables, and … let’s just say seeing Jason alone took more of a toll on me than I’d expected.  I took off and headed for the worship area just to be alone for a bit, because where they were standing outside could be seen perfectly from the nursery where we were.  That’s how I realized that they were talking when I realized Shannon hadn’t followed us in.  I saw them through the window.
     So, like I said, I headed off alone for a bit, and came back, and Shannon came back, and we had our dessert things, and started playing Grave Robbers from Outer Space, this card game that Shannon has.  It’s pretty cool, actually.  It’s sort of like Magic, in the way the cards work, but it’s simpler.

     Denny came by when we were ust startng the game, and he said that Bryan and Colleen were somewhere out there, too.  So, we said he should go look for them, and he went, came back a bit later saying he couldn’t find them, and I asked if I should go, since I know the church area the best of all of us sitting there.  (Not to mention I could cover it faster than any of them, because Mike had a hurt foot and was limping.)  So, Denny took over my spot in the game, and I headed off.  But my search was over before it began, because from the worship area I heard piano playing.  I headed up the three stairs to see who it was, and big surprise, it was Jason.  I turned away, but then stopped, thinking, “No…”  I had something I wanted to say to him.  So I turned back, and went in there, standing above him, (the piano was on the lower level of the thing,) until he was done.  When he was, I said something along the lines of, “You know, instead of lying to me, and hurting us both, especially Mike, you could have just told me that you’d chosen your parents over me.”  Well, he looked at me, and said something, I didn’t quite hear what, but I get the idea that the meaning basically equated to, “You don’t know my intentions, and it’s not like you ever will, because you’re not worth explaning them to.”  And he left, leaving me standing there, because somehow I held my tongue back from saying anything else, and having it fall on deaf ears.

     I couldn’t go back to the group and pretend to be happy after that.  And I forgot about going to look for Bryan and Colleen.  So I stayed in the worship area, just thinking.  That one line from Goodbye to You going over in my head: “I want you, but I’m not giving in this time!”  Eventually my mind turned to thinking other things, I’m not entirely sure what.  I remember a few things.  Sitting, crying, by the organ on the opposite side from where the piano was, just wanting my Freedles back.  That happened because Ryan at one point, walked in, got a guitar from near the piano, and walked back out, without even seeing me, or hearing when I said hi.  He left, and I started crying again.  I couldn’t help it.  I want my Freedles back.  But we’re blown apart in so many ways…  Dolly’s out in Texas with frankly, an ass hole of a husband who doesn’t treat her at all well, and she’s dumb enough to blame herself for the shortcomings he exhibits, Ryan didn’t even see me.  I might as well have been invisible, and Jason… Jason gives me some line about not understanding his “intent.”  (Which, might I add, he never even tried explaining to me.)
     I was sitting there, just saying that I was tired of being alone, I was tired of being hurt, I didn’t want to be alone anymore, I wanted to stop hurting.  I wanted my best friend back.  That when I looked at the mental picture of my friends, there was one spot missing.  Melanie, Jill, Mike, Joey, Mike Keller, Matt, Freshman Mike, Denny, Raj, Pat, Bryan, Colleen, Shannon, Dolly, they were all there.  But there was a blank spot.  A silhouette, where someone else should be standing.  But he wasn’t.  And I wanted him there.
     I was thinking that I wanted someone who meant a lot to me, or who I meant a lot to, would find me.  Just… be able to comfort me.  Let me know things would be okay.  Or something.  I didn’t care what.  I just didn’t want to feel so alone anymore.

     And a few minutes later, Joey opened the door.  He saw me, and asked if I wanted him to leave.  I said “doesn’t matter,” but it did.  I didn’t want to be left alone.  And he didn’t leave.  He came over, and wrapped his arms around me, just holding me as I cried.  Luckily the tears were slowing at that point, though.  He kept saying how sory he was to see me like this, and that he wished he could do something more.  At one point when he’d let me go, I wiped my cheek, and said, “Joey

, just please don’t go out there and start anything with him, okay?”
     He said he was glad I’d told him that because he was going to, until then.  I’m not sure when he would have, because I’m also quite sure he would not have left me when I was like that.
     Anyway, about five minutes after Joey found me, Mike found us.  I got the feeling that Joey wanted Mike to leave, because at first he held his hand up in a stop! kind of way.  I think he wanted to comfort me on his own.  But Mike did come over, and gave me a hug as well, and asked what happened.  I told him I hadn’t found Bryan and Colleen, but I had found someone else.  He understood immediately.  I found out later that that was why no one had found me before.  Bryan and Colleen had actually met up with them not too long after I’d left, and when Shannon asked where I was, why wasn’t I back yet, Mike said to give me a few minutes, because I might have run into Jason, and could want to be left alone for a bit.

     The rest of the group found us when I was cheering up a bit, but they could still tell that I was upset.  I told them the same thing I told Mike.  Actually, I said it to Colleen: “I didn’t find you guys, but I did find someone else.  Jason.”

     I was pretty much okay, though, and we went to Friendly’s and ate and had fun.  Mike and I went and dropped Joey off, and I said that I’d come up this weekend, ::crosses fingers:: hopefully around one, and show them the tape, and hang out with Joey since he can’t come down to go to the carnival.  Argh!!!!  He’s missing the fricken’ BEST carnival, though!!!  I stopped over there last night, and just walked around, they have a Gravitron, the Round Up, the other thingy that’s like a Round up but there’s two, a Scrambler, the swing thing, a feris wheel … !!!  I can’t WAIT to go to this thing!!!  Thursday is gonna rule!!

     Lol.  Yeah, let’s just say that not even things about Jason can keep my spirits down when in regards to this carnival.