The Key To My Heart Belongs To No One

I don’t know why I said that that dream was so weird. It was just an instigation for me to act today. And act I did. There was an entry that I’d started writing in here, but only got maybe two lines into, so I saved it as a private one. But later that night, or maybe the next day, I erased it. I’d started writing it the Thursday before last’s afternoon. It was about that morning, when Jason had come over. I wasn;t awake when he got here, and I just flopped back on the couch, where I’d been. But he kept coaxing me, saying “Up with you,” and stuff like that. Finally, I did get up, and went upstairs to brush my teeth, and change. I came back down, and we played Mario Party 3 since Denny had left it over at some point or another. He actually won. Then, we’re just laying back on the couch, his arms around me, mine around his shoulders. He said, after a few minutes of sitting like that, that it felt so comfortable to hold me that way. Then, Denny called, and I went upstairs to get Mike, who was still asleep at that point. When I came back down, Jason was lying on his stomach on the couch saying that his back was bothering him. So, I started massaging his shoulders. Then, soon enough, we’re lying next to one another, me in his arms, on the couch in the living room. (Heh. What is it with these living room furniture items???)

Anyway, though, at one point, he asked what I was thinking, and I just kind of shrugged and made an “I don’t know” sound. He accepted that at first, and closed his eyes, settling down again. Then he looked up a second later, and said, “Hey, that’s my response!” And asked me what I was thinking again. The truth was, I’d been thinking of kissing him, and thought that he’d been dropping hints of wanting the same thing ever since he got here. So, I looked at him again, and leaned forward, kissing him. When I leaned back, I said, “Does that answer your question?” He said yeah. We kissed a few more times after that, him initiating some, me initiating some. I asked him at one point if he’d been dropping hints, and how long he’d wanted me to do that, and he answered “probably since I stopped talking about going to the park.” Because we were planning on going to a park that day. But it worried me that Mike was upstairs. He was in the shower, but I didn’t want him to come down and see that Jason and I were kissing, or even sitting so close with our arms around the other. Yes, Mike and are broken up, but that doesn’t mean that I have to flaunt unnecessary hurt at him. Not to mention, I’d looked forward to going to either Holmdel or Veteran’s Park that day. So, I said that we should go, and I said that I didn’t want Mike to come down and see us like that. But he keep saying no, he wanted to stay there. Finally, though, I stood up and said come on, we should go. “Besides, I can just as easily is you there.” And I got my purse from over on the chair. He stood up while I was doing that, and said, “Just because I don’t think I can wait till the car ride is over . . .” and takes me in his arms and kisses me.

So, we got to Veteran’s, and he joked about a “nice secluded spot in the woods.” (Don’t you know, we actually found one!) And yeah, we kissed more there. He said at a couple of different points that “this is gonna raise a lot of questions for me later.” Heh. At one point, after saying that, though, he looked at me, said, “Oh, well,” and kissed me again. He left around two, though, and I was happily in a daze for most of the rest of the day.

When I got home that night, Dolly called, and I talked to her. Just as we were getting off, I jokingly said for our 1-2-3 ritual, “Nice secluded spot in the woods,” because I’d obviously told her about all that. And Mike heard me. Needless to say, he’s not stupid. He guessed what it meant and who it had to do with. I didn’t even try to hide it from him. He asked if we’d just kissed, and I said yes. He wanted to know what had happened, so I told him. As vaguely as possible, because I did want to spare his feelings as much as I could.

Well, long story short, he tells me that he’s extremely hurt by this, because about two and a half weeks before then, at one point when Jason and Mike had walked to Angela’s, a pizza place nearby, they’d talked about the different girl situations that, namely, Jason was in. Things with Jess, and her feelings of only friendship for Jason, how Jason like-liked her, how he knew, though, that I had feelings for him, and how Mike still has feelings for me. And at one point, Jason specifically told Mike, (and while this is a quote from Mike that may not be completely accurate in wording, the message is the same, no matter what,) “And I only see Kate as a friend, and don’t want to make things worse for you.”

Heh. Well, obviously, that mindset didn’t stick around long . . .

Anyway, though. I’ve been extremely pissed off since I heard about all that, because not only did he put me into a very awkward and hurtful situation, he betrayed Mike. And I do NOT take well to someone betraying my friends. Especially not with so deliberate a betrayal. So, I decided, ‘okay, you know what? Let me wait. He promised me that he would talk to his parents about that meeting thing, that he’d at least make the attempt, a couple of days after the semester ended.’ His semester ended May 1st. So, I figured, give him a week. The day before yesterday was a week. I hadn’t heard anything from him. So, today, I decided, ‘all right. I’m gonna go down to Target (where he works) and let him know I need to speak to him.’ So, around 6:30, that’s what I did. I told him I needed to talk to him, and what I wanted to say, I wouldn’t say there, so when could he talk? He said he didn’t know. It all amounted to, he was working till closing, and he claimed that the clean up could take anywhere between fifteen minutes and three hours. I just said, “Believe me, I’ll wait.” And then left.

I came back at 9:30. I waited there until what must have been ten after 10. Then I saw him walking past the outside of the building. He stopped maybe three feet in front of me. I’d almost think he knew what I was going to do. (Because you see, I didn’t get the idea to slap him from the dream. Considering the fact that at the very least, he betrayed Mike, and at most, he betrayed Mike and was using me as a pawn to get caught in the middle because he WANTED Mike to catch us, I figured he deserved getting slapped. I had already been planning on doing it since probably Friday. Maybe Thursday night itself.)

Anyway, though, I said how dare he betray Mike like that? And he asked what I was talking about. I reminded him of what he’d said to Mike, and then I believe said something like, how could he say that to Mike and then kiss me? Instead of answering, though, he said that I had kissed him first. I said that he’d wanted me to. I don’t remember all that was said, and I probably should, considering a good deal of it was also silence. But what got me were two things; One, he seemed to be implying that the entire fault of the matter rested on my shoulders, because regardless of what he’d said to Mike, that I hadn’t known at the time, I had kissed him first. Therefore, automatically because I kissed him first, it was my fault. Heh. No. I don’t think so. The second thing, though, was what really got me, and still gets me now. I said something to the effect of so what if I had kissed him first? I hadn’t

know what he’d told Mike, and if I had, I never would have kissed him at all! And then he said some kind of prefix to the sentence, you know, some kind of “No offense” thing, and proceeded to tell me that since I’m “a person so heavily driven by her emotions, he highly doubted that.”

That was where my eyes narrowed, I uncrossed my arms, stepped a foot or so closer, and I let my hand fly, slapping him straight across the left side of his face. I just glared at him for not even three seconds, then told him that I wanted that key back I had given him, (the one he had so perfectly timed setting on my journal?) and turned away to walk to my car, which was two spaces away from his. I heard him behind me, and somehow knew that it was in his car. I was right. He put it on the roof of my car, since I was on the other side, and said something, though I can’t recall what. I doubt he heard, since he was already getting back into his car and closing the door, but I said, “Next time I give this to someone, it’ll be someone who deseves it!”

I don’t know if I’m hurt or what by all this. I feel rather . . . numb, actually. The only thing that hurts right now is that he actually thought, thinks, whatever, that I would have so little regard for another’s feelings. Yes, I’ve done some pretty horrible things to others in the past, but all of that stemmed from anger. Yes, I’m the first to admit, I can do horrible things to people, disregard promises, bonds of trust, use everything at my disposal against them– when I’m angry. And especially now, I’ve learned that I won’t use everything at my disposal against a person. I honestly think that I stopped doing that after Melanie’s and my fight. But like I said, the fact that he thought/thinks that I would have such little regard, so miniscule an amount of respect for Mike, that even if I’d known about Jason’s words to him, I’d’ve betrayed Mike and kissed Jason anyway . . .

That’s what hurts. That he would think that of me, and the realization that, since he dos, it proves exactly how little he knows about me. All of his claims of observation, and perception, and everything else he claims to be able to do . . . amount to nothing, since he couldn’t even see that I would not do that to someone else.

I’ve thought over, since I left Target, exactly how many things of blackmail I have at my disposal about Jason. At this point, I honestly don’t think there’s anything that he knows that isn’t in this diary somewhere. Him, on the other hand . . . I could post that one picture, I could write about different things he’s admitted to me that I haven’t even put in my handwritten journals . . . I could do any number of things. Admittedly, all of these would just extremely embarrass him. Nothing more, nothing less. But . . . I know I won’t do it. I think I touched on this in a previous entry. I’m not sure, and it’s too late to go back and look. But I realized that while I’ve argued with a lot of people in my life (Beatles song!) not that many people have lost my trust. Perfect example: Melanie. Yes, we argued. Yes, we said some pretty horrible things to one another, me probably worst of all, because she’d told me she hated being called a bitch. I didn’t know why until recently, but she’d told me she hated it, and hat it was the one thing that would truly insult her to the core. But anyway, my point is, while we had that argument, and yes, trust definitely had to be rebuilt, it was not lost. I know now, and probably knew somewhere then, thought I wouldn’t have admitted it, that if I truly needed her, and truly had no one else to turn to, I could have talked to her about a problem, and she would have been there for me. She’d have listened, even offered advice, though I doubt she would have liked to much, either. It’s an odd thing to define. Because while yes, we had lost the other’s trust, and it needed to be rebuilt, and was slow in the making at times, we also, in some way, didn’t lose the other’s trust. Because somewhere we knew that if everyone else failed, there was still the other we could go to. That’s what I’m trying to say in this, I guess. That all the things that Jason did tell me in months/years past are safe with me. We were best friends then. So that information will stay within the bounds of our past selves, and I won’t let present/future events cloud me into using them against him.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. Maybe we will end up being friends again. But not until some major changes are made on his part. He has one Hell of an explanation and apology to give, not only to me, but certainly to Mike. And frankly, Melanie’s past few entres, about Chris, and her Mike have taught me a few things. You can’t be walked over in a friendship. Friendships are supposed to be equal, with both members pulling their share, and no shame in letting others know that this person is your friend. Well, I’ve been walked over, I’ve been the one making sacrifices, and Jason has been the one hiding his friendship with me from everyone. I’m not going to be walked over anymore, because as much as he meant to me, I obviously didn’t, and don’t, mean anywhere near as much to him. Until such a day when he can stand up to anyone and say, “Yes, Kate Workman is my best friend,” there is no point in pretending. And maybe that day will never come. Maybe after tonight, he doesn’t think that I was ever his best friend. I don’t know. All I know is . . . . . . right now, that key belongs to no one.

Heh. Nice reflective entry for May 10th, huh? One year-anniversary-entry, everyone. Don’t I have dramatic entries . . .

–Notes–

what I said when you wanted your little key back was I”m more than happy to oblige. you know, I’m a little pissed at you, thanks to you I had to try and explain that damn handprint on my face. but moreso, don’t you ever touch me again. you will never hear me utter those words, that you are my best friend, not under pain of death. the ignorance you carry was made painfully clear last [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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night, that you weren’t smart enough to look past words, having a head full of questions doen’t equate to being confused on something? Whatever, whether you just misunderstood, or I made the mistake, which I doubt but I’m not saying it couldn’t have happened in a way that I”m at fault, I never meant for either of you to get hurt. and for whatever wrongs you did me, you’re forgiven, and forgotten. [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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so leave me alone. don’t bother writing to me, because I won’t bother answering, and don’t dare think of coming to my house again. I hold no hard feelings, just leave me alone. btw, yeah, you were my best friend, and I’ll never forget it, but now, I worry about what trust I did put in you. see, everything you tried to convince me of just seemed to fall apart in the span of a night. [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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I will never again make the mistake of trusting someone as much as I trusted you. yea, to that degree, it was a mistake. you act off emotion, I believe you smacking me proved that point, since you did it right after I said that. that was a rather rude thing to do though…I wasn’t rude or u

ncouth, and told you I wasn’t entirely sure… anyways, hitting me is one of the two worst things I [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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feel that you could do to me…it just cuts deep. oh well, I have stuff to do. Time keeps moving on, and while some things never change, there are those things that do. I’m moving on, whether you decide to as well, or wallow in the past as you so often do is your problem. I wish you good luck in your endeavors. that said, I’m done, leave me alone, and goodbye. [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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This is a long belated note, but, I told you before and will reiterate: I can’t believe you slapped him for giving you exactly what you wanted! Is there some reason you just can’t let yourself be happy? Gee! Over Mike?! He whom annoys you whensoever we talk? The same Mike you gripe about wanting to be left alone by? Why don’t you just get back w/Mike, then? YEesh. [HyacatDuncan]