Sunday Was Supposed To Be A Good Day . . .

First off, thanks guys, who left notes on my last entry.  Her E-mail, and just Sunday in general were the icing on the cake to one blah/crappy week.

Oh, well.  After a day of arguing internally with insecurities run rampant, I came on here, read what Dolly said, and read my notes, and now I do feel better.

One thing that I don’t feel better on, though, is what Mike and I ended up talking about last night.  The entire thing with Dan once again.  Basically, I was already in a not-so-great mood, despite having hung out with Denny, Colleen, and Bryan for a couple of hours.  Well, when Dan came up, of course, things took a turn for the worse, and I finally said, when we were in the car in front o the house, that the bottom line was this: that whether it was consciously or unconsciously, whether he meant to/wanted to, or not, Mike made a choice between Dan and I.  And I came second.  I said that I alwasy was coming in second, and frankly, everything that Dan did, everything he caused was what started the domino effect that ruined Mike’s and my relationship.  I told him that I couldn’t believe that he could still trust Dan at all after losing who Mikee claims to be the “love of his life,” because of someone who wouldn’t admit that he’d screwed up.

Yeah, I’ve gotten answers.  Yeah, I’m no longer stewing in hatred and malice and jealousy and depression.  But I’m realizing more and more that I’m far from forgiving Dan everything he did and caused.  Because of everything he’s said to me since that night so long ago, one thing still rings true, above anything else.  That being Mike’s brother is, was, and forever shall be, no reason whatsoever to trust him.  That is the only thing I’ll ever b in complete, total agreement on with him.  Well, okay, that and the fact that Snoopy at the piano with Schroeder is the best part of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  Which they CUT OUT of the show when they play it on TV now!!!

Back on topic, though.  I don’t care if it’s horrible of me to think so, because I honestly don’t think it is.  I don’ think thoughts are horrible, or bad.  Yeah, they can be evil, but they’re only truly evil, or bad, or immoral or whatever when put into practice.

Anyway.  What said thoughts are.  Flat out, I want him to suffer.  I want him to go through everything that I went through.  Hell, I want to see him go through more.  I want to see him thoroughly alone, thoroughly broken, and thoroughly defeated.  I want to see him raked through the proverbial coals, the same way I was.  I want to see him question who his friends are.  I want to see him look around at all these people who he once held so close, and realize that now, they’re mere acquaintanes that he barely has a grasp on as it is.  And I want to look around at all of that . . . and smile.  Just give this evil smile, and know that where once it was m in that position, now he knows what it’s like.  Now his integrity, his morals, his trust, are all in question.  Now people give him the odd glances.  Now people don’t invite him to things.  Now he’d know what it’s like being left out.

Joey, if you read this, yes, I know exactly what you mean with everything you said so long ago about avenging yourself, striking down enemies, etc.  Because I have that same darker side, too.  And if I thought that I could do any of that to Dan, honestly, I’d probably do it in a minute.  I may be completely alone in the doing, but then, if I could accomplish breaking him, I wouldn’t necessarily care.  But I suppose there’s the difference.  I can’t accomplish any of that, for the simple fact that I am alone, and I couldn’t accomplish it alone.

Heh.  Mike menioned that he believes Dan knows (FINALLY) that I don’t like him, don’t trust him, etc., despite having talked things out, and that that bothers him.  Well, you know what I say to that?  GOOD.  Maybe it’ll teach him that he can’t screw with other people the way he did with me and then expect to just go back into those people’s good graces when things are settled.  Especially not when he didn’t even have the sense to come to the person to explain things in the first place.

Yeah.  I have a definite evil side.  And at least as far as the thoughts, I’m sick of keeping it under wraps.  I know, I can’t do anything, but I’m sick, just so sick, of hearing people talk about Dan like he’s some terrific person, when he’s just plain NOT.  Just once I wish someone would be able to see things from my point of view, and say, “You know, you’re right.”  Even if they think he’s changed for whatever reason, just knowing that one person would/could think that I was right about him then . . .

I just don’t understand.  I don’t understand how Mike could call me the “love of his life,” yet cause/be a part of so many damn arguments concerning Dan, because he was so busy trying to convince me that that wasted piece of flesh was such a “good person” who would “do the right thing.”  I on’t care what kind of relation they are, if Mike had truly considered me the love of his life, then he wouln’t have sat there trying to tell me the things he felt I did wrong, or that I needed to accept, or that I needed to do.  He would tell me that yes, Dan was wrong on this, and then the rest of the argument would be about me “having” to accept/forgive him “when” he would talk to me.  And I say F*CK that!!!  I don’t have to accept sh*t from Dan, nor do I feel any urge to forgive, at least not at this point in time.

Honestly . . . yeah.  I hope that one day I am able to say that I’ve thoroughly moved on and forgiven him.  If for no other reason than I hate thinking these things.  It’s an ugly side of me, and I don’t like it when that side rears its head.  I’ll never make the mistake of trusting him, with anything, but I hope that all this I wrote about will fade into the background eventually.

Sunday was supposed to be a good day . . .

Sunday was supposed to be a party . . .