Sometimes You Just Need Perspective

You know, it’s very hard to type anything when you have a little yellow feathered chicken nugget sitting on your chest shoving her head at your throat because she wants her head scratched. But it’s so cute . . . Oh, here she goes again.

Okay, anyway. I just read Jill’s new entry. God, that sucks. I mean, there’s no other word for it. Well, okay, horrible, terrible, sucky, whatever. The point is, it shouldn’t have happened. To them, or anyone else. But what can I say? The world bites sometimes.

I can’t say the entry cheered me up any. It wouldn’t. But it puts things in perspective. I’m hardly saying that how I’m feeling now is the end of the world, I’d never get over it. But just because I’m not saying that doesn’t mean that I was dealing with this the best that I could have. I feel like I’m not wanted. Like everyone has their own lives, and I’m just over here, in limbo, not going to college, not doing anything really, with what I’ve been given. I’m writing, but I’m revamping the novels, and worried about sending them in because I don’t want to be rejected, yet I know it’s unrealistic to expect not to be rejected once or twice. Or maybe more than that. I feel . . . I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in at everything that all these people have. I mean, what must true love feel like? What does it feel like to be glad to see someone, so much so that it almost physically hurts, but it’s a good hurt? As odd as this question is from me, considering everything that I’ve put in my diary before about it, I’m curious as all get-out as to what sex has felt like. Is it like two lovers in books? Or is it so much more than that? What is love like, when it’s more than star-studded fantasies, and unrequited dreams? I feel like I’ve missed out on so much stuff. I mean, Jill is the only one I’ve seen who’s had any major complaints about dorm life. I hate this feeling of disconnection. But unless it’s on here, whether it be the open diary or IM’s, I don’t really spend time with anyone else. Yeah, Jason, once a week. Oh, boy. Whoo–pee . . . ::As I wipe the sarcasm off the bottom of the monitor::

And I’ve come full circle. Because the feeling of separation has to do with everyone else leading their own lives, being up to their ears in busy–ness . . . I’m not saying that it’s their fault. Okay, yeah, it is their fault, but they do it because they want to further themselves into a chosen career or education status. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing. It’s a smart thing. But . . . I don’t know.

We don’t realize how good we’ve got it in high school. There, at least friends see one another during the day, and can talk after school. Once college comes around, forget it. Friends can be torn apart because they’re halfway across the country from one another. I miss what I used to have. I don’t know precisely what that was, and I don’ know precisely what I have now. Maybe it’s something better. I don’t know.

I still feel like I can’t completely trust. Not anyone or anything in specific. Just in general. Everything. Effects from the entire thing with Dan are going to be with me for a long time . . . I suppose that’s one thing that I hate that people do. They say just get over things. That’s literally impossible, and anyone who studies anything with psychology should be able to tell you that. The things that happen to you throughout your life make an imprint on you. How else do you gain experience? But there’re good and bad experiences. The more bad ones you have, the more negative you’ll become throughout you life. The more good, the more optimistic you’ll be. I think I’ve had one too many bad things, and one too many betrayals.

–Notes–

Thanks for your note. I’ll write any updates on that story as I receive them. I’m just wondering…why don’t you go to college? I think it could open many doors for you. As much as I complain about TCNJ I know in my heart that it is getting me where I want to go. And don’t ever base your view of dorm life on my experience! I am a rather unique case in all honesty (at least I can accept that now). [Ruby*Tuesday]
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You should really start looking into taking classes somewhere or else you could miss out on great career opportunities. I enjoy learning at TCNJ despite the fact that i hated dorming and that commuting grates on my nerves. Who knows? You could probably sign up for summer classes still at local colleges. Start taking some steps forward, even little ones. That’s what I’m attempting.little by little! [Ruby*Tuesday]
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Are you the kind of person that has difficulty making friends? I’m just asking because of how lonely you are. I hope that you’ll be able to get the kind of companionship that you need. [Peter Piper]