Something I Read . . .

I just read something on Clif’s diary front page that made me think.  It said something like, "When a boy and girl are best friends, they will inevitably fall in love.  Maybe at the right time, maybe at the wrong time, or maybe forever."

I’ve tried to keep all thoughts of Mike at the edges of my consciousness because honestly, it just pisses me off way too much to think about things concerning him.  It still hurts to have discovered so many things and in a way, I’m grateful to the whole Kansas venture because it allowed me to put my mind to something in the present that needed to be accomplished.  I couldn’t dwell over the past when Rob and I were driving halfway across the country and doing everything else we’ve done since then.

Though that’s not to say that memories haven’t forged their way through.  Just this morning, I got to thinking for some reason about the Christmas party my senior year.  Mike, Shannon, and I were the only three left at the end and we were playing . . . it may have been Rubik’s Race.  Something struck Mike as funny and he started laughing.  And he didn’t stop for a good ten minutes.  Shannon was just giggling it up, finding it hilarious, and at first so did I.  But when he didn’t stop, I began to think there was something else going on there and it really worried me.  Later, I was glad that I had called out of work at the last minute to stay at the party . . .

I wonder how many people realize that things I said to them in the past were things straight out of Mike’s mouth?  Yes, I agreed with the opinions, but they were his opinions first.

I know that things happen for a reason, and everything that I’ve gone through has given me a sense of how to deal with the things I’m being tested through now . . .  Yet there were so many times, if I had just walked away from Mike, so many things would never have happened.

Heh . . .  I find it funny that Dan finally admitted to Mike that one of his goals that night he "read" my eyes was to break us up.  He needn’t have bothered, because I’d already told Mike earlier that night that I wanted what he’d always promised me: That we could go back to just being friends for awhile.  He begged me to reconsider, but I was insistant.  I wanted my freedom back.

Then Dan "read my eyes," scared me out of my wits on purpose, and who do I call to talk to about the entire thing?  Who else?  The one I felt closest to at the time.  Mike.

His senior year, I tried to break up with him, too.  In May, I think.  Near the Madrigal Dinner.  He only barely accepted it then, once again begging me to reconsider.  I was a fool and honestly thought that if I remained adamant, he’d keep his promise and we could just be friends.  It shouldn’t have taken years for me to realize that the promise of a Vroom means nothing . . .

He used to claim that before he met me, it was like he was trapped in a dark cave, seeing the shadows of people and fun times on the walls of said cave.  And when he met me and then even more when we "fell in love," he said it was like being brought out of the cave and realizing that there was a whole world in front of him.  That suddenly he discovered all he was missing just staring at shaodws and thinking that was all there was.

Then he would claim that me breaking up with him was like trying to push him back in the cave, telling him to be content with the shadows once again, after he’d seen what the light was like.

Maybe we were in love in the beginning.  Maybe it was something real that, under different circumstances, we could have seen through.  But knowing the end now, I more think that everything in my first black journal is correct.  I was manipulated into loving him and our entire relationship was a scam that never should have gone on as long as it did.  Because of what he insisted would happen to him, he made it so I couldn’t break up with him.  If I tried, he’d startto berserk, which would tighten his chest muscles too much, which cut off his air, which would make him pretty much faint.  I’d have to force air through by more or less doing a quick thrust on his diaphragm. (Sp?)

I think the only reason he insisted he loved me during those times and afterwards was because he was afraid of not having me there to either stop him from berserking or stop him from attacking something while berserked.  He’s said that he doesn’t think his system could take berserking again and I don’t doubt that that’s true, so one thing can never be tested.  If there could be another person to hold him back when he gets like that.  Because while now I think he would rip me up as soon as look at me if he berserked, I still stand as the one and only person able to calm him down.

::Smiles wryly::  When I think about even the good times now, it’s truly as if those people were part of a different life.  For the life of me, I can’t remember why I fell in love with Mike.  Even when I remember the old him, I can’t remember what feeling that way towards him felt like.  I can see it in the home movies we recorded, like the Phantom thing at my Halloween party and his birthday at my house when I got him that crystal wolf.  I wonder if he even still has that thing . . .  Or if he gave it away because as neat as it is, he doesn’t want to be reminded of me . . .

I wish I wasn’t reminded so much of him.  Damn me, I still find turtles so cute.  And even though he was no more a turtle at the end than I am an actual hedgehog, it still hurts to find turtle things and want to turn and say "Hey, Mike, look at this," for just a split second.  Because after that split second, I realize I’m not in Woodbridge, or Monmouth, or Menlo Park with Mike.  I’m in Wichita, with Rob.

And Rob wonderful.  But I guess I wonder when all this emotional baggage is going to pack up and leave my side.

Though I guess writing is a good purging tool.  I’ll write even more next time.