So, This Is Christmas . . .

Happy Christmas
(War Is Over)
By John Lennon

Happy Christmas, Kyoko!
Happy Christmas, Julian!

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so Happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so Happy Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

War is over if you want it
War is over now

 

This is a good song to put for today, considering that twenty-four years ago, tonight, John was shot outside his apartment in New York at ten-fifty, and died twenty five minutes later at eleven-fifteen.

Unfortunately, I need to go and make dinner, so I’m gonna write more to this entry tonight.

Oh.  Yay for being off tomorrow from work!!

Okay, so dinner’s made, and I’m back now.  ::Waits for cheers::   . . . Oh, well.

::Sighs::  I feel like I’m ruining my weight loss plan, but I’m probably really not.  I had a roast beef sandwich today, and a bowl of pasta, and a small bowl of hamburger and tortilla chips.  (Nachos, a quick way.)  So, I really haven’t had that much, but I feel like I have.  I’ll get back on track with this tomorrow, no problem.  Or if there is a problem, I’ll work through it.

Oh.  That’s another thing.  I don’t know if this is a problem, but . . . it’s definitely . . . odd.  See, last night, Mike still had the allergy headache that he’s had for the past three days.  So, we’re sitting on the couch in the living room, and he has his head on my shoulder, my arm’s around his shoulders, and I started tickling im where I knew it would really "get" to him, if you know what I mean.  So, he kissed me, and this time, I kissed back.  And we were sitting there kissing for a bit, and I broke it off, and we just sat there for a bit.  Then, a bit later on, we kissed again, except this time, I initiated it.

So, yeah.  There ya go.  I don’t have a crush on Mike Keller anymore.  I think about him, I got him something for Christmas, but I don’t like him that way anymore.  And while I’m not over Jason in any other sense of the word, I am over him romantically.

I don’t want to lead Mike on.  I do want to talk to him about this, but I don’t really know what to say.  Considering what happened with our relationship last time, I’m still not sure I want to try another relationship with him.  I mean, we’ve both changed over the past two years or so, (oh, BOY have we changed,) but . . . I don’t know.  Shouldn’t there be some kind of . . . spark, if I felt that way again?  I mean, shouldn’t I be walking on a cloud?  Instead, I just have this general feeling of comfort and familiarity when he’s around.  But not a romantic comfort/familiarity.

I don’t know.  In some ways, even though I’m single, I think that other guys might be chased off by the way Mike and I do act around each other.  Cuz I get the feeling we do still act like an old married couple.  Yet if Mike and I were to get back together, I don;t want it to be because I couldn’t find another guy who was interested in me, and I had to settle for Mike.  I don’t want to settle for anyone.  I want to fall, hard and fast, into love.

And I don’t think I’m in love with him.  But I don’t know.  Kissing him then . . . just felt right.  It was what I wanted to do.  But I don’t know if I want more.  And I already know that even if there was someone else who wanted to ask me out, that Mike wouldn’t be too fond of being just "a guy" I was casually dating.  I know, it may not be his choice to make, but his feelings are things I have to consider, whether I like it or not.

I don’t want to say last night was a fluke, but I also don’t want to say that there’s something there when there isn’t.

Okay, yeah, once again adding more to this.  I had a mini-crisis earlier.  After I ate that bowl of pasta, I just felt so full, and couldn’t help thinking I’d ruined everything I’ve accomplished so far, which may not be much, but at least it’s something, that I grabbed y keys and went straight to FunTime and played three games of DDR.  I’m getting really good at that game on the upside.

It was scary, though.  I mean, the thought honestly came into my head of purging.  And the only reason it was only a thought, and nothing I would act on is because the idea of making myself throw up grosses me out so much.  I hate this, though.  Feeling like I’ve eaten so much that I’m going to ruin the progress I made, so why keep trying?  Yet, I haven;t eaten anywhere near enoughto ruin what I’m doing.,  Especially not since I played five games of DDR total.  I probably sweat off whatever I ate as it is.

I didn’t think finally being determiend about losing weight, and finally acting on it was going to be this hard, though.  But I’m not going to stop.  I’m going to keep trying, and damnit, I’m GOING to succeed.  Though there may be setbacks, that doesn’t mean failure, and setbacks don’t mean I can give up.  Not when I have made progress.  And even if it’s little progress, every pound counts.

Okay.  Anyway, I went to FunTime, pounded away on three games, and talked to Mike for a bit.  So, mini-crisis is over.  I’m okay now.  Tomorrow, I’m going back to FunTime and playing some more games of DDR.  I swear, I’m going to master that one dance . . .