Resolution

To be honest, I thought about not caring if I made it home on time or not.  I thought about all the times she ducked out on me on partis or whatever and thought to myself that it would be something of poetic justice.  Or maybe just regular justice.  But then I realized that I just wanted to get this done, and besides, why should I sink to that kind of action?  Plus, it would just be something else I admitted when we did talk, because I was determined to be honest and let her know what I thought.

Well, I made it home around nine-thirty, went to the bathroom, cuz my God, I had to pee! and signed on.  I debated for a minute letting her IM me, but again, I decided against it, so I IMed her, saying "I made it."

We had a pretty long IM.  I saved it to Works and it turned out to be fifteen and a half pages long!  The first thing that she said was that she’s owed me a pretty huge apology since 2004.  She told me that I wasn’t the only person who saw how bad her emotional state was getting and was trying to help her.  She said to varying degrees, she alienated pretty much everyone, though it was me and this guy friend she alienated the worst.  She told me that one of the reasons that she was so hesitant to contact me was because she, her words, "betrayed me the worst," more or less giving me a f*ck off E-mail.

I said that may be, but that E-mail was precipitated by the one I’d sent that I felt I needed to apologize for.  It was a far too angry one and I should have taken time to look over it and know that I’d gotten my message across in a less-pissed off way.

I did ask her what her goal was in contacting me.  She said that she didn’t have a goal past apologizing and explaining herself.  I told her I’d asked because I’d thought about it yesterday and realized that after everything, her alienating me and the things I heard afterward, her cheating on Andrew and such, that I had virtually no respect for her.

Admittedly, that’s not to say that respect and trust can’t be earned.  We basically agreed that instead of saying, "Oh, yeah, we’re friends again!" that we’ll take things as they come.  IM when we can, and we’ll take things from there.  I let her know that I wasn’t expecting to take on some major, important role in her life.  All I wanted was the same courtesy that she’d show any of her other friends.  You know, when there’s time, to hang out and go see a movie, or go to a mall, or the beach, or whatever.  To return a message when she’s able, and just in general not be a fair-weather friend.

I don’t remember what preluded it, but she said at one point, though I can’t remember her exact words, her meaning was basically, "I know my words don’t hold much water."  I told her that while in the future, I may be more guarded around her and wonder about things that she says, during that IM, I was taking her words at face value and not looking to see if I could falsify them.

My general impression of her is that she is different, and so far, it seems to be for the better.  I can’t say that we’re friends.  I don’t think we are yet.  I don’t even know if it’ll become a yet.  But I don’t say that maliciously.  It’s just a matter of waiting to see what happens.

I’m glad that we talked and got the chance to say all this.  I told her the things that I had to, and she was able to take my honesty, which was a nice surprise.

She actually admitted to me that even while she was rejecting my advice and shutting me and who knows how many other people out, she knew that what was being said, not just by me, was right.  She said that this other guy and I were the ones she shut out the most because we were the most forceful in our opinions.    <—best thing I could find to a sheepish smile.

I told her also that I’d changed in the past few years and gotten to the point where I hated people avoiding things for whatever reason.  It’s like, just do it and get it over with.  Antiipation is what kills people more often than anything else.

All in all, at the very least, we got a peaceful resolution.  So while neither of us may gain anymore than that, at least we’ve gained that.  I think that’s pretty important.

So, yeah, that about covers last night.