Reality Of Anorexia, Part Two

WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you’re still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won’t be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won’t steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you’ll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don’t control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don’t even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None. Do you honestly think that you’ll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn’t work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There’s nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it. Do you want to look at your family’s faces & know that you’re killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they’re dying & KNOWING that there’s NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you’ll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you’re starving yourself you won’t see that anguish. You won’t be able to. You can’t see anything, you’re too self absorbed. You’re too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You’ll see it when you recover though & you’ll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You’ll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it…& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life.

If you do this, one day you will wake up. One day you’ll wake up & realize how much you wasted. Maybe you’ll realize that you wasted your teenage years. That you threw away your chance at a normal education, possibly even college. You tossed prom, homecoming, parties, & friends out the window. Those times are gone & you can never get them back. Maybe you’re older, maybe you threw your career away. You’ve probably screwed your job record completely & there is no erasing this. You’ll regret this more than anything & there’s nothing you can do about it….& there’s nothing you can do to get back those wasted years. & do you know what? You probably won’t even remember most of what occurred during those years. I don’t.

You probably want this for the beauty, for the thinness. You probably hate yourself & think this is a way to fix it. Its not. Do you want to know about self-hate? Do you??? Then go ahead & start starving, because I can guarantee you that however much you hate yourself now, it’s nothing, NOTHING, compared with how you’ll feel about yourself once you get in this. You will despise yourself; you’ll hate yourself more than anything. You’ll hate yourself more every single day. You’re the lowest scum on the earth. You deserve death but death is too good for you. You’re lower than murderers & rapists. Child molesters are better than you & no matter what torture you think of, you know for a fact that you deserve something worse.

But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you’ve likely just signed your own DEATH warrant…& you likely don’t even care…yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you’d give anything to take it all back. But it’s too late, because by the time you’re in deep enough to care, you’re already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.

This is the reality of anorexia, of NOS-anorexia. It is nothing like the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is nothing like that beautiful ponpular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It is nothing like anything you’ve ever lived before & you will never be the same.

So many things about eating disorders scare me, and the more I learn about them, the more they scare me, as well as piss me off.  I mean, you wanna know what scares me, read the above, and the previous entry.

I’ve never typed this anywhere, because I’ve been ashamed of my weight for as long as I can remember, but I’m five foot two, and I weight 240 pounds.  I don’t look fat, though.  I do look like someone who could lose some weight, because there is excess, but I don’t look fat.  Why?  Most of my weight is muscle.  And I’m currently trying, correctly, to lose weight, because I’ve finally thoroughly gotten sick of how I look, and want to look better.

Now, bearing that in mind, this is what pisses me off about the people with eating disorders that I’ve run into either online, or in person.  (Though the in person wasn’t when she had one, it was after she recovered.)  Anyway, these people have one thing in common.  They are not, nor have they ever been, (as far as I can tell,) fat.  I don’t know if it’s because of media hype, or their own warped/non-existant sense of self-worth, or what, but for whatever reason, these perfectly healthy, pretty, and maybe not thin, but normal-bodied girls decide that they have to be these stick figures to be seen as beautiful, or to be seen as anyone with worth.  And it pisses me off.  I stated my stats as far as height and weight to make a point.  Someone like me, my body type, weight, etc., would have the excuse to go anorexic.  (I don’t say reason, because there is no reason for someone to stop eating.)  But what the Hell is the point of someone trying to lose twenty–thirty pounds who’s already 140, and six inches taller than me???  That’s what pisses me off.  If these people would just open their eyes and see that they already have a good body, and that them starving themselves, or God forbid throwing up their food, is unhealthy and stupid, then the world would be a better place.

I mean, if anyone decides to base their opinion on a person because of what their body looks like, and how much fat isn’t on it, then that person is a fool.  But on the same token, someone who thinks that fasting, or that a several hundred calorie diet a day is a good thing is a fool as well.  It’s my same grievance as with smoking.  We learn in school that smoking will kill you.  It is proven to cause cancer, and numerous other diseases that I either can’t spell, or

don’t recall.  Yet, plenty of morons light up their first cigarette every day.  The same thing with food and eating.  We learn in school that we need to balance what we eat, and we learn about the four food groups.  That too much food causes fat to develop, and too little can be detrimental to us as well.  Yet there are plenty of people who gorge themselves into such obesity that they don’t leave their beds for three years, and there are plenty of people who think that, “Well, the less I eat, the thinner I’ll get.”

It makes me angry, because most of these people have no reason to feel that they should lose any weight, let alone become consumed in the clutches of an eating disorder.  Yet so many do.  And I know, and am understadning more and more that eating properly, and not falling off the wagon in either direction is a lot more difficult than quitting smoking, or drinking, or gambling, or some other addiction of that nature.  With smoking, drinking, gambling, etc., it’s just a matter of not doing it.  Of avoiding all temptation, and not going to a bar, not buying a cigarette, not going in a casino.  Getting to the point where you’re strong enough to resist it is one of the hardest roads a person can go, but in many ways, it’s easier to deal with than recovering from extreme under weight, or extreme overweight.  Because to remain healthy, you need to eat.  And to stay at a good weight, a healthy weight, you need to find a proper balance of food.  Whatever way you say it, eating is part of life, and it needs to be done.