Ponderings

I’m turning 31 on July 16th this year.  My mom wanted me to do a big party last year, and I was kind of willing.  I thought it’d be pretty cool, doing a BBQ, having a bunch of people there.  I invited about forty people through the Event set up on Facebook, but only about six came, and it was too hot for them to stay long, so most of the time, it was family who was here.  It was disappointing, honestly, to have invited that many people, and have most of them not even answer, and have so few show up.

This year, like I said, I’m turning 31, and I want to do a party.  I’ve invited about 15 people, so I hope at least five will come.  I want all of us to meet at my house, then go over to the bowling alley near me.  Once we’re done there, we go over to Court Jester in Matawan and eat.  Then, if enough people are in on this, I’m gonna rent a hotel room where we can all go after Court Jester and get plastered on Jello shots and whatever other booze we get, (cuz it’s BYOB,) and play video games and stuff.  The hotel room’s cuz that way, we won’t have to worry about designated drivers and all that.  We can just sleep in the room.

I hope this actually goes off the way I want it to, and that I have a good group of people for this party.  Okay, let’s be honest.  If one person in particular comes, I’ll be happy.  Everyone else is icing on the cake, so to speak.

::Sighs::  Yeah, I like someone.  I’ve already mentioned that, though.  Kevin, from my job.  And I’m also semi-terrified of the fact that I like him.  Everything with Drew really screwed me up.  And yet, oddly enough, I still can’t shake my feelings for Drew.  It’s seriously sad after everything I went through because of him, all the decisions I made because of him, all the detriment to my life because of him, and yet . . . if he came to me tomorrow, saying he was sorry and that he loved me and we’d work on our differences, and he’d work on his issues . . .  I seriously don’t know if I would have the strength to say no.  I seriously think I would go back to him, and the cycle would begin again.  And it’s depressing to know that.

Part of me wishes Kevin was interested.  That he’d at least like to see if anything could come of us dating.  Hell, everyone except him seems to think we’d make a good couple.  I think we would.  We’re both intelligent, like reading, yet we have enough differences to maintain independence, and cause some great banter.

But another, bigger, part of me is glad he just wants to be friends.  Friendship is a lot harder to screw up than a relationship.  At least for me.  I value his friendship too much to want to risk losing him, not matter how much I like him.

It’s also weird.  Maybe it’s that I really was that in love with Drew, maybe it’s that Drew’s the only guy I’ve ever slept with, maybe it’s something else I haven’t even taken into account, but trying to fantasize about kissing ()or more, with another guy is just . . . weird.  It’s not like it used to be.  I used to be able to have fantasies about a guy that went right up to the edge of us having sex.  (Until Drew, I’d made the decision to remain a virgin till marriage.  And even with Drew, I agonized over the decision.)  Since Drew . . . the fantasies just aren’t the same.  And it’s rare that I let myself fantasize about Kevin romantically.  When I do, I run the risk of hoping it becomes a reality, then wanting to talk to him about ‘why aren’t you interested?’ which just leads to another rejection which if I thought about, I knew was coming.  Another cycle that I really don’t need to go through repeatedly.

But I’ve let my thoughts wander a few times, and . . . it was weird.  It was just so weird to imagine kissing someone who wasn’t Drew.

I’m messed up and I know it.  Which is actually another reason I’m glad Kevin isn’t interested.  Yeah, there’s been plenty done to me from relationships, but I know I’ve made my own screw ups, and caused a lot of damage in my own right.  I don’t want to do that to Kevin.  I’ve done more than enough to other people . . .

I was at Pathmark tonight, looking at cards.  I saw one that was an apology card.  It had a cartoon animal on the front, bits of machinery in front of him, and it said, "I’m not very good at piecing things back together."  Then you open it and it says, "I’m sorry.  Please forgive me."

I thought about buying it, but . . . what would be the point?

I wish I knew the answer to that question.  But then, part of me thinks I don’t want to know . . .