Partly Me?

I’ve been thinking over the online friendships I’ve had since I started talking to people who I met through the internet.  Several I’ve met because of this site.  One was a guy named Jeff.  He came to my Christmas party . . . about two years ago?  We’ve talked maybe twice since that and he’s stopped writing on OD.  Though I doubt that has to do with me, he was fading from the site when I met him.  Then when the first thing happened to the diaries before the hacker, his was one that was never restored.

Regardless, we’ve lost contact.

Andy was someone else I met on this site.  I’d still like to know wat the heck happened with him.  He and I shared some pretty deep stuff.  The second summer after we started talking, last summer, the one after he graduated in other words, was the one where we planned to actually meet.  He was going to come down for about a week and stay at my house.  But nothing this past summer happened the way I’d hoped . . .  I’m still not sure what happened between us.  I mean, we hadn’t talked on the phoe in awhile because I hadn’t called.  I kept hoping I would see him online, but I never did after that night.  When I E-mailed him thsi past summer, he would answer me if I sounded especially desperate/worried about him/our friendship, but when I would reply . . . nothing.  No reply, (ooo, Beatles song!)  Wow.  Haven’t done that in awhile.

I just can’t help wondering, because I talked to someone else online from this site.  We IMed a couple nights ago and I came this || close to asking him if he wanted to come to my Halloween party.  Admittedly, assuming he’s interested, I’d still like to ask him.  But I don’t want to lose someone else.

Yeah, he’s only an aquaintance right now.  So was Jeff.  But Andy . . .  he was an honest-to-goodness really good friend of mine.  Or so I considered him to be, anyway.

It’s like it’s only a matter of time before I lose the people I talk to online.  Maybe it’s partly me?  Maybe people are expecting one thing when they talk to me and when they see me, they’re disappointed?  Maybe they’re disappointed because in writing, I’m a completely different person from when I’m speaking?

I don’t know.  But I wish I did.  Because I’m sick of people leaving.  If I’m scaring them off, if I’m being too forward, I wish they would say that.

::Sighs::  I don’t let myself get my hopes up anymore, because I don’t expect the person to stay.  It’s a sad mindset to take, that I have to expect people to leave to protect myself from being hurt or disappointed.  I don’t want to be like this . . .