Near the Point of No Return

     That’s IT!!! I’m done with this! I got the directions to Kean last night, and actually drove up there today in the hopes of seeing Jason, and straightening all this out. I did find out where his dorm building is. I did find out what building and what number dorm he’s in. But he wasn’t there.

     But that’s not why I’m through with this. Because I decided something today. I’m done trying to contact him. I’m done asking people to give him messages, I’m done trying to find where he is, I’m just . . . done!

     You know, I remember, a long time ago, I was IMing with him, probably when he was at Brookdale. He was confiding some pretty heavy stuff to me, and I asked him at one point why he was doing it now. After everything that had conspired between us, I could just turn my back on him, so why was he risking it? This was what he said. “I tell you because I know you, not as well as you know me now, but trust is a major factor for you. You’d go very far to protect that. I do not believe you would dilute your values that you go so far to protect by breaking the trust values of others.”

     He was right. Trust is a major factor for me, and I do go as far as I possibly can to keep that trust held. When it’s broken by someone, well . . . That’s another story.

     I don’t want to believe that Jason is purposely avoiding me, but what else am I supposed to think at this point? He’s had countless days and weeks to contact me by some means, yet what has he done? Told me he wasn’t my Phantom harasser, and said he’d be in touch. The last time he said he’d “be in touch” was in July!! Right after my birthday! And he didn’t even bother to give me proof that he wasn’t the Phantom harasser!

     I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know if I know him, I don’t know if he even wants to contact me, I just . . . don’t know anymore. He’s told me in the past that I’m his best friend. Is this how you treat your best friend? I mean, I initiated contact ALL of the other times we’ve talked. I was the one who asked for his screen name. I was the one who IMed him. I was the one who sought him out at Brookdale, that following semester. I was the one who just drove up to Kean, walked around that bloody huge campus in really bad shoes to walk around in, just to see if I could find him!!!

     I’m done. I’m finished. I can’t do this anymore. I’d still love it if he were my best friend, but I can’t keep this up. I have to focus on the people who are actually around. Not someone who I never see, and who can’t keep his word about getting in contact with me.

I’ll wait . . . See if he ever does E-mail, or call, or something. But . . .

I’m not holding my breath for it anymore. I don’t want to say that Jason has lost my trust, but I’m getting too close to that point for my comfort. I hope he contacts me before I’m past it.

–Notes–

I wish I knew what to tell you about the situation. I can’t explain Jason, he is a complex individual. My friend Mike is just like this too..I told you about him in Art. I only talk to him every few months. It sucks. [SolarEclipse]

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owww yeah tell me about the joke… i got this nick from sex and the city where Charlotte send baby shower invitation with a duck with a cigar print on it… so tell me.. 😉 [a Duck with a CigaR]