My Wildest Dreams . . .

Your Wildest Dreams 

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you think about me
Once upon a time
in your wildest dreams

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew that reached a brand new day
We couldn’t tear ourselves away
I wonder if you care
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
in your wildest dreams

When the music plays
When the words are touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound I have to follow
Once upon a time…

Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
in your wildest dreams

When the music plays
When the words are touched with sorrow
When the music plays

When the music plays
I hear the sound I have to follow
Once upon a time…

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
mirrored in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you think about me
Once upon a time in your wildest dreams

In your wildest dreams
In your wildest dreams
In your wildest dreams

 

The night before last, I had a fairly odd dream.  Jason contacted me, though he asked someone else to actually give me the message.  But the bottom lie was that he needed me.  And somehow, we found each other.  We were in a room with four or five other people, I think Melanie and Shannon were there, and an anime character was, too.  Some kind of Ed from Full Metal Alchemist and Kyo from Alice 19th mix.  Anyway, we were all sitting in a circle, and I remember, the anime-ish guy was between me and Jason.  We were all trying to get him to talk about what was going on.  Or at least, they were.  I was quietly just looking at him, studying him sitting in the chair, with his elbows on his knees, hands together, and his head down.  I remember, even though it depressed me to see him loking so lonely and sad, I was just so happy I could see him again.

Finally, I went over to him and just whispered, "Tell me what’s wrong," or something of that nature.  And he looked me in the eyes and started talking.  Even though he was only speaking loud enough for me to hear, soehow everyone understood what he was saying.  And the basic story was that he’d discovered that his mom was cheating on his dad and he didn’t know what to do.  Basically, (and don’t ask me how this works out, it’s dream logic,) if his dad found out, then he’d leave, divorce Jason’s mom, and take Stacey with him.  I don’t know, there was some kind of clause in some contract of their marriage in my dream, where if she was found doing something like cheating, she would lose everything, more or less.

Everyone else started saying how he had to tell his dad what was going on, it was the right thing to do, she couldn’t keep cheating on him, it was despicable.  But all he was worried about was what would happen to him if his dad found out.  Basically, he’d be on his own.  Completely.  His dad would leave with Stacey, since she’s still a minor, and his mom would have no claims on him.  Which is what I voiced to him.  That he wouldn’t be under her thumb anymore.

That got him thinking.  I could almost see the wheels turning in his head as he slowlty looked back up, saying, "I’d have my freedom . .  ."

Then, everyone else disappeared and I think Jason and I were either in the piano room at Kean, or at that baseball field next to the Chinese buffet place.  Either way, we were standing next to one another and, I don’t remember who reached for who first, but we were hugging.  Then soon enough, we were sitting, me on his lap, and we wound up kissing.  It wasn’t one of those dreams where I could feel what was going on, though.  Well, I could feel it in the dream, but it wasn’t quite as real when I woke up.

::Sighs::  Gotta love dreams that play with my hopes like that.  Yeah, I still miss Jason like crazy.  Every time I pass his house because of a delivery, I look over and sigh.

I did discover that I do love him.  I no longer say I hate myself for loving him or anything like that, but damn me, I do.  Whereas a few weeks ago, I thought that I’d passed a milestone of getting over him, I discovered I was wrong.  I’ve merely accepted the fact that right now, we can’t be together.  But I’m still hoping for the day we can be.

I do find it stupid that I stayed in hiding so long.  I should never have settled for that.  It was stupid and very se;fish on his part that he could expect me to accept that as a reasonable friendship.  And it was stupid and selfish of me to let him lead that literal double life.  Even if it is ridiculous that his mother can’t admit that she has no right to pick and choose who his friends are or aren’t.

Argh.  I’m not going there.  It’s just gonna get me pissed off.  Long story short, though, I can’t help wondering if Jason is who I’m meant to be with.  Somehow, we just can’t seem to stay out of each other’s lives.  And in a lot of ways, I’m grateful for that.  I am grateful for the memories of him that I have.  Those nights up at Kean, the days at that field, those times at Holmdel or Veteran’s park.  They were wonderful times for the most part.

I suppose I am a fool for wondering if he could be my soulmate.  I suppose I’m a fool for even believing in true love anymore.  Yet . . . Nana gave me a keychain a long time ago.  It was actually a double keychain.  It had a key and a heart-shaped lock that the key could fit into.  And inscribed on the heart, it said, "He who holds the key can open my heart."

I may have found that person.  But first he has to earn the key back.  Yet I can honestly say my heart i

s all but closed to him.

He took me in his arms
and whispered in my ear,
"Thank you so much."
T’was all I needed to hear.